it is an honor for a soldier to die in battle. i just died fighting.

just saying

you left me in the dark for a reason. but that's ok... that's ok.

keeping the ember alive

it never goes away. this feeling. dies down. but never disappears. it's just there. distant. memory.

time filler

i'm almost empty. i feel a little better now. i've gotten used to this solitude. not that i'm stronger, but i no longer feel pain. i feel numb, which is a good thing in one sense. it's like anesthesia.

so i'm back to square one, back to where i was 2 years ago, back to this same old bed, this same old room, same solitude. it feels nostalgic. nothing changed, except this feeling that i no longer belong here. why am i here? there is no one here. no one worth returning to. which reminds me, the other girl i have learned to forget. let's leave it forgotten.

this evening i strolled around the mall, curious how things have changed. i ended up still feeling empty. nothing new under the sun, nothing worth to look forward to, nothing worth searching. all i could wish for was some manga for the week. after which, there was nothing more to anticipate. i'm waiting for the 29th to see what will happen, although, being the pessimistic (realistic) me, i know nothing will happen. that's what happens when you overthink life.

why am i even writing this?

oh, i wonder how the simple girl is. i don't even know who she is. so i'm left wondering. just a thought. sometimes we try to make sense of something we don't know because the things we know don't make sense.

okay, i'll make some short term goals. tomorrow i hope i would meet gelay. i can't even remember her name right. ah. what a simpleton i am. by saturday i plan to visit molino. hopefully the weather wouldn't stop me.

blabbering idiot. i'm talking to myself. this is what boredom is.

dark side of the sun

am i better off dead?

am i better off a quitter?

they say i'm better off now

than i ever was with her...

... i'm smiling but i'm dying...
... trying not to drag my feet...

... i'm still in love...

... but all i heard was nothing...

... she said nothing...

... oh i wanted words...

but all i heard was nothing.

-nothing by the script


so i said to myself never to walk down that path again. never.

the lion sits on the throne

what is mine will be mine. not by right nor by might; just fate.

ooo

for a time i was yours, but i guess you never really saw any value in it. and so i tried to belong to someone else.

ooo

i was finally able to cross. the bridge was completed. it did not go according to its original design. at least friendship is a beginning of a new chapter. i don't know how often the bridge will be of use. as for me, it's time to build new bridges somewhere else.

the bridge

i was imagining myself standing on the edge of the unfinished bridge. i was in no hurry. in fact, time somehow stood still. it was a magnificent bridge made out of stone arches. the deep blue sea down below glistened in the sun. the breeze was just right. the warmth was not too hot. just across was a mysterious island. i wanted to reach it for some reason i can't explain. no matter how hard i tried it never got completed. when i tried to look back, my bridge came from an island after all.


it made me realize how futile it was to build it all by myself. it will never reach across that way. some days i wanted to destroy the bridge i was building. it kept reminding me of foolish dreams. what a wasted beautiful bridge. maybe someday i'll stop trying building that bridge, when i'm already too tired. when it keeps on leading to nowhere.


i'm beginning to hate myself for keeping on coming back to you. i've tried to so hard so many times to destroy this feeling. i thought i have already won.


it also made me realize it wasn't really about the unknown island. my dream was about building this particular bridge. there are days i just want to enjoy the unfinished bridge. sitting there, taking my time, waiting. it's a dead end road no one passes by. i was on my own alone. i had all the time in the world to think and keep on thinking. what a magnificent bridge. 


or maybe there was still some hope in me that someday it will be finished. i wonder what's on the island....

the third chapter

chapter two was lost somewhere in time. i needed to move on with my book. on with the show. it's a new year and yet the same old life. my mood fluctuates like a sine wave. one moment i'm so high and the following morning i'm so low. one moment i love sushi, the next moment i wish i had forgotten. and the next moment i love sushi again. do i really love sushi? ... sushi never talks back. but sushi is so yummy. until i get the feeling i'm so fat. but sushi is not fattening. i'm so sleepy.



the pendulum swings. it's about time i give up the fight. the three balls that struck me out are the same balls i will have to swing against for the second inning. how bothersome.

the girl who leaped through time

leaped or leapt, just the same. it's a special anime movie about a girl's dilemma about love. it's interesting how people don't really know what they want until they lose their chance of choosing. when she found out a friend had feelings for her, she tried so hard to avoid him. but truth is unavoidable, and there is nothing she could do to change the way he felt for her. just when she was about ready to accept the truth, the boy had already clammed up. time is up. maybe that's how she really wanted it in the first place.


you can never entrust time and chance to a girl.

another round

today is a sunday, another day of testing. let's see how much i can take. another week.

it takes time to harden the heart. it takes time to numb the senses. it takes time to forget. it takes time to let go.

meanwhile i have to keep a straight face. i have to hide my true feelings. i have to deny myself.

i'm happy for you. i will be happy for you.

hush shush

"relax, kid."


(calm down). that's what the hero of my stories used to say. it's his signature line. whenever he was on the brink of bursting mad at someone, it was a form of venting out his insult. try imagining yourself being called a "kid". it makes you immature. in a way, being called a kid is cool, depending on the situation. it is a sentence with a lot of meaning. the hero also used to say it to calm his own nerves, referring to himself as the kid. nothing is too serious.


"all you're left with in the end are your memories."


burn notice. indeed, man is a memory. history is a memory.


i realized i was the introvert. i was the anti-social. i was the one within walls. i was the difficult person to reach.

almost sleepy

this is the best time to write, when things are not going so well for me. inside me is a sea in turmoil, except try imagining it in the middle of a dark night without a single light.

outside of me you can notice how empty my eyes are if you really pay attention. probably it's my discontentment for reality. it's just vanity after all. everything has the same worth.

there are no exceptions. i want to escape from it all. there is a way. i don't want to be another jonah. where's my big fish?

maybe if i try harder i will forget bridges exist. and if i forget, the feeling goes with it. i won't have to keep turning my head to every direction. maybe i could smile wider and laugh my heart out.

i am not immortal. i am invincible. nothing can hurt me. it's a grand illusion of a special ability. i am an army of one. they keep firing at me. i keep charging at them with a sword. one by one their luck ran out. i was not too ecstatic. it's just another predictable day.

i keep blocking my thoughts. some thoughts fade slower. silly me.

i'm a walking contradiction

one of those times doing nothing i decided clearing my computer files. and i came across this song. it's not so much about the lyrics, but the mood that i could relate to.

my november

this is my november. my era begins. cold november.

ooo

i will be your armor
i will be your shield
i will be your freedom
i will be your wings
i will be your power
i will be your heart.

ooo

it feels like for centuries i have been fighting this feeling. i have always been winning. it feels like an empty victory after all.



ooo

i am very much disappointed with a lot of things. last year was disappointing. this is year is very much disappointing so far. she is very disappointing. i am a big disappointment. thirty years is a disappointment. my work is disappointing. my business is becoming a disappointment. my dreams look disappointing. but i tell myself it's how i deal with disappointment that is more important.

ooo

i watched the social network on my own today. and i reflected on my similar situation. here i was with a dream worth billions. it feels like i'm the only one who knows and believes this. i need someone to guide me. i asked myself what do i really need right now. capital.

it's so tiring

this memory is becoming more and more a curse that keeps on haunting me. i feel helplessly depressed knowing there is nothing i can do about it. only time heals. if only i could keep blocking my thoughts. i can only wish it's december already, december, 2012.


from my perspective of my life's story, it's getting to be a boring segment. too much uncertainty and too little to expect. meanwhile....

answers

the problem is, the answers are with her. the answers are with God. the answers are in the future.

on reliance, you cannot just rely on anybody. you just can't rely on friends. but that does not mean they are not dependable. they will uphold you in the right time, just don't rely on it.

vanity of life

finding comfort in my own words.

from the downfall of man. man is cursed for he does not know that he is.... it was foolish of him to think, because time erases the memory of his days.

i cannot hate what i love. i cannot love what i hate. it made me think for a second, what do i hate? the first thing that comes to mind: i hate this feeling.

i am transcending. all is vanity. what we consider valuable means nothing at all. memory, the most important thing i possess. without it, i cease to exist. more valuable than life itself. what is man but a memory?

trudge on. maybe it's time burn bridges once again. time to move forward, never look back. but even if i close my eyes shut, the memory keeps replaying. numbing.

it's not the pain. it's the fatigue. tired of waiting. for nothing. usually something eventually happens.

down to the last stretch, the last straw

just a simple journal entry. about a month ago, the plan was set. there were three objectives: 1. pass the boards 2. establish a relationship 3. start the website successfully. the deadline, before i leave 30.

so far, that's two strikes for me. still manageable, all things considered. failing the boards, although quite a heavy loss, is still recoverable next year. anyway, the profession is the backup plan, and has been working as intended. you should never really perfect the backup to the point of losing sight of the main objective.

the relationship could not exist at the moment. maybe i just haven't found the right one yet. not that i did not try, but i can only go as far as meeting her halfway, or probably i could go 99%. it won't mean a thing if she does not respond. having done my part, it just did not work out. it's a learning experience. calculated failure as well.

now i can fully focus on what i truly think i am designed for. the business. the website is the key for the succeeding years. gradually, the parts are put into place. so far so good. before the year ends a more accurate prognosis could be given. the gears are already turning, we just don't know how far it would go.

everything's going according to plan. some outcomes or maybe all might not be favorable, but the options have already been considered. we know our strengths and weaknesses so far. the backup is still working. the last thing we need is a monkey wrench.

somewhere only we know

inside my mind is a certain place where nobody knows, a memory of a place turned into a dream where i can run to whenever i feel sad or for a need just to be alone with you for a moment for some peace.

dark side of the lens

i could only imagine something i could not experience for my own, the other side of the world. sometimes, i feel the sea calling out for me.

red october

why do i get the feeling this will be a bloody month. i wonder how my exam turns out. i wonder how meeting fate again turns out. i wonder how my project will turn out. i wonder.

i guess it's time for me to wake up. separate dream from reality. time for battle. time to die.

jam

it's the last day of september. once again. i remember my sister. she knew me more than anyone else. somehow she always figured out what was on my mind. now that she's gone, no one else can read my mind.

it's not really the sadness of missing her. i'm happy for her knowing where she is right now. it is the feeling of being left alone.

i wasn't there for her the day that she died. i was supposed to go and see her earlier. but after my class that afternoon i took the time and went to a computer shop with a friend. there was no use escaping. i could not even remember the bus trip.

when i arrived she was already dead. until now, i refuse to admit i was too late. i really did not wish to see her dying. i did not even know she was going to die that day. sometimes people won't understand if i did not feel like saying goodbye to her.

i miss her so much. she knew how much i loved her even if i did not show up for her final moments. although it would have been nice if i were there, i know she was thinking of someone else at that time.

we think the same way. see you later, sis! it was more of a sigh of relief on her part. good for her. it really wasn't a sad ending for her. it was a lonely time for me. my younger twin, jam.

i remember once, we were laughing hard at each other's face. we were staring at each other's up-side-down face as we were lying down. we simply understood each other, even if we did not talk much. another time, we made a prank call to one of my crushes. haha! nice jam!

when she was in pain, there was nothing i could do. sometimes, there's nothing much you could really do. and so i have learned to accept a lot of things for what they are. i miss you, but i'm also happy for you!

i've waited here for you

everlong. swiss-cheese. last man standing. one-man army. cold. numb. the irony.

hack n' slash

before anything else, on the way home i was moonstruck. the gibbous moon above the horizon in an almost empty night sky is nothing new. and so the feeling is also not new. it is still the same old feeling of staring at the moon. still shooting at the moon.

the moon moves too slow. sometimes i think it stops moving. or is it just my mind moving too fast?

this war i am fighting rages on. i have no feeling of quitting. but this hacking and slashing through the endless hordes in this battlefield of life is becoming too slow. it's like i have been doing this for a thousand years without a break. they keep coming, one after the other. i keep hacking and slashing. and did i mention, they keep coming and coming. i don't really feel tired of hacking and slashing. i feel bored of the monotony. sometimes, it feels like things become so routine that everything moves in slow-motion. during these slow-motion times you get to think of a lot of things. and you keep on thinking of a lot of different things. all these are while you wait for your blade to cut through the horde. you could even see and ponder upon each sweat dripping slowly to the ground. you even have all the time to feel sad for each drop of blood and recover from the reality of pain. and you keep on thinking a lot. you have so much time to think, you have already seen almost all the scenarios. they keep coming and coming. you keep hacking and slashing. it becomes like cutting down grass. endless sea of grass. at first, you feel so pumped up like it's your first time conquering hordes. in the long run, it seems silly screaming your heart out cutting down grass. your mind wanders off. you ask yourself, why were you doing this in the first place. don't ask. just hack and slash your way through. the moment you stop is the moment they will overwhelm you.

silent waters run deep

part 1

the hot shower this evening was very relaxing. today i am reminded of 1985. i was 5 or 6 back then. we lived in coto, zambales at that time. there was this creek that was transformed into a swimming resort for the mining staff who lived nearby. it was a pleasant private place. 'kids' swimming pool' they call it. it stuck in my memory. the clear waters streamed quietly on the surface. you could even see the rocks at the bottom. don't be fooled, it could drag you downstream if it were not for the dam of rocks ahead.

mama once told me a story of me. she once saw me quietly sitting by the banks of the creek, alone and in deep thought that particular afternoon. that was around dusk. we had just finished swimming that time, and everyone was preparing to leave. she approached me and asked me what was i pondering upon. according to her, i replied, "I want to be like Jesus." and that struck her. i could not even remember saying that, but i could still remember that time clearly in my head. dusk. still waters. the cicadas and crickets. i really liked that moment. it was so peaceful. i still can't remember what i was really thinking.

part 2

probably for about 10 years now, i have been searching the internet for some stuff. most of those stuff i have already found. my latest recovered stuff is this:

"He is lovely"

(there is a longer version of the song in youtube, the quality and lyrics are better, but i like this line-up better)

"i just want to be where you are"


priceless. these are the songs of my heart. i did not include it here but still worth mentioning is the album "we are called". they summarize my soul.

part 3

the past days have been eventful, despite nothing happening on the surface. "take time to realize... that i'm on your side.... if you just realize what i just realized...."

my mood still fluctuates, especially my reasoning. but still things are manageable.

i might understand a little bit how God must have felt of me. i might have been ignoring Him for so long, despite all His efforts to reach out to me. it's not that i have grown cold, but i felt that this was all the love that i could return back to Him, that i have somehow reached my limit.

on the other side of the coin, i might understand a little bit how she probably feels. despite my efforts to reach out to her, maybe it's just not in her. probably she has nothing to realize. sad, but this was all the response she could probably offer me. probably i understand.

and where did this lead me? i have decided to love God more than i do right now. i thought of loving the people i love more than i do right now. i still haven't figured out yet how exactly, but all i know is that this love and desire can only come from God, and not from my own. i will just have to ask from Him. i will have to spend more time with Him. listen more to God. read His Word.

when i have loved God with all of my heart, i could only ask for more heart.

He leads me beside still waters.

all the words i wanted to say

if only you would realize....

the sacrifice is never knowing why

sacrifice. the greatest virtue.

busted!

grabe hindi ako makareview ng matino. at kinailangan pa talaga i-sulat!

hindi ko rin maintindihan pero siguro talagang ganun. napaka ko kasi. hindi sya natuwa sa akin. yun lang yun. for whatever reason, na-intimidate, na-asar, na-ilang, na-hiya, na-weirdohan, na-creep out, na-kulitan... basta. whatever. hindi nakakatuwa, yun lang yun.

nagkamali ba ako? before i made this decision i knew i might fail. high rejection rate. and i failed. buti nalang medyo prepared ako. masakit pa rin ng konti. minsan, kelangan din maranasan masaktan. minsanan lang pls.

makapag review na nga.

vengeance

i have returned.

so i did a little housecleaning so to speak, clearing the list of friends i did not even know i had. and some for reasons unexplained. it feels good to look back at what i’ve done… “i’ll face myself to cross out what i’ve become, erase myself and let go of what i’ve done”…. linkin park. so i thought of inserting the lyrics that suddenly came to mind, and while i was looking it up on the net, look what i found. priceless. better than linkin in another way, sung in sadness from a beautiful marie digby, not in rebellious anger. see for yourself:

i have been gone for a long while, for reasons of privacy and reasons of limbo and lack of inspiration. i wasn’t entirely out of commission. i was in another “dimension”. nenjyx.
it is almost time. for greatness.

seize diem!

hulihin sila! masmaganda kasi pakinggan. carpe kasi parang isda. so pag pakinggan, parang “isda sila”. pasensya na, nagloloko lang ako. carpe diem! in english, seize the day. in jik’s twisted inglish, (this)’is the day. don’t misinterpret as cease the day. itigil ang araw. napaka nonsense noh. hulihin!
try natin i-visualize what i mean. hmm… masubukan nga mag add ng picture… (so naghanap ako ng picture sa google images, under the keywords “fish” and “catch”, and eto ang napili ko…)

seize the day

what friendster is good for

i’m back. it’s 7:30pm. just finished my rounds. on one new referral. one. just one. and i am already tired. i still have another new one, but… i’m tired. just tired. tomorrow na lang. medyo kanina ko pa gusto mag type. kaninang 5:30pm. kaso, it’s complicated.
kwento ko na lang as simple as possible. layman’s terms. dito sa office, limited ang websites na pwede bisitahin. dito sa office. naka block ang friendster. pero eto ako, nasa friendster! pano nangyari yun? pumunta ako sa isang website, na kung tawagin ay “proxy” site. sabihin ko pa ba? wag na lang, tanongin nyo na lang ako personally anong site yun. eto na lang suggestion ko, search nyo sa google or yahoo search ang terms na “proxy” and “website”. marami kasi pwedeng gamitin dun. in short, nabibisita ko ang friendster kahit naka block sya sa network namin. bakit kasi. hindi naman masama.
kung napansin nyo, kung lang naman, hindi ako masyado nag e-entry sa blog ko. kasi naman. masyadong public. it is too defining. pinipintura ko na pala ang aking sarili. kakanchawan nanaman ako. kaya tuloy, hindi ako masyado makapagbanggit ng mga pangalan. haha…
kaya ang solusyon ko, meron ako bagong blog space. somewhere in outer space. hindi sa myspace or facebook. at syempre, may alias. untraceable almost. pero, purpose kasi nun ay. ang purpose kasi nun ay. nakalimutan ko na rin. kaya yun, wala ako malagay dun. defeats the whole purpose. di bale, pag may naisip na akong ilagay dun. sobrang galing na ang makakahanap ng page ko na yun at ma-identify na akin yun.
in 2002 (tama ba?), i joined friendster. why? meron kasi akong gustong hanapin na tao. nahanap ko lang sya ng 2005. actually nasa friends list ko na sya. pati ung dalawa. buti na lang parang hindi na sila masyadong active. wala lang. nahanap ko na. pag may hinahanap ako na tao, hinahanap ko sa friendster. so far, meron lang ako isang tao na hindi mahanap, gamit ang friendster, google, yahoo, pipl, facebook, myspace… dalawa pala. either marunong sila na itago ang identity nila sa internet, which is good actually, or hindi talaga sila nag iinternet. which is bad actually.
i tried googling for my name in the internet. ayun. nakakainis. i’m a public figure already. may picture pa. may video pa. although wala ung mukha ko sa video. (jay, pakiusap, alisin mo sa youtube, kahit yung pangalan ko lang). si jay, matalik kong kaibigan, nag unsubscribe sa friendster. distraction daw kasi. whatever. ngayon, pag nag search ka ng jay lim sa net, nako. marami syang kapangalan. buti pa sya. no identity sa net. e ako, search mo lang nasa top ten list na. paano pa ako tatago sa fbi at cia nyan. it’s my private life we’re talking here! ang arte.
kelangan talaga identity conscious ka sa internet. kung hindi, mahahanap kita, malalaman ko details ng buhay mo. e ano paki ko sa details ng buhay mo. sinilip ko lang naman mga pictures mo. nakita ko na buong pamilya mo, mga kaibigan mo, kung san ka na nakapunta. mukha na tuloy ako stalker! background check lang.
… si ano pala, sikat na na singer! hilig pala nya ang…
… aba, nagbakasyon sa europe! sniff… nakakamiss…
… hmm… nag asawa na pala… sad. but happy din…
… uuy, ang dali naman nito contakin… may number!
yung iba, akala nila safe na sila sa “private” mode ng profile nila. akala ko rin. naisip ko ng isang araw, meron siguro naka isip din ng way around that system. tama nga, meron. kasi hindi ko makita yung private profile ng crush ko. hehe. in short, nakita ko rin yung pictures ng crush ko.
may bonus pa. pwede ko na rin sya macontact. hanggang pwede na lang. pero hindi ko rin gagawin. hawak ko e-mail address nya. hindi lang yun. may isang celphone number rin ako nakita. yun nga lang, hindi ko alam kung sa kanya yun. paano kasi, accidentally ko napansin na ung filename ng isang picture nya ay celphone number. accidentally talaga. coincidence nga naman. it’s a sign! naks. hindi rin. i need more proof than that. want pala. hmm… ayaw ko rin i-text. it destroys the natural process. haha! leave it to chance. pinipigilan ko lang sarili ko. (torpe). e kung gustuhin ko ba e.
sana mag update pa sya ng pictures. sayang, pictures lang pwede ko silipin, yun lang yung powers ng website na ginagamit ko. siguro kung talagang sipagin ako makakahanap din ako ng ibang hack.
so ano ang gamit ng friendster? background check. pang remind ng mukha ng crush mo. kung minsan, pang check din ng mga sumisilip sa account mo. who’s viewed me? yung iba, gawain nila, pang collect ng mga magagandang “friends”, na lalaki pala may ari ng account…
uwi na ako, 8:30pm na. next episode ko na lang ikwento pano baguhin yung picture na mag mukhang artista. kagaya ni geo, kamukha nya si tom cruise. yung isang picture ko, hawig si brad pitt.
nabasa ko pala yung recent blog ko… last may… haay. brings back the feelings… tama na nga.

kfc: the perfect chicken

ang sarap ng kfc! finger lickin’ good! i think they have perfected the fried chicken. this is the chicken to beat.
sinasabi ko lang yan dahil yun ang hinahanap hanap ko for this season. sarap e.
sa sobrang sarap, kahit pangit service nila, willing to wait ako.
sarap ng breast part, hot and crispy.
pag kumakain ako ng chicken, i can’t help but compare it with kfc.
pag kumakain ako sa ibang restaurant, i can’t help but compare kung ginasto ko na lang ung pera ko sa kfc. 75 pesos lang, may 1 piece chicken meal na ako. takam na takam na ako….
oo, medyo mabagal service nila. kainis nga e. minsan, yung ibang branch may di kanais-nais na amoy. not to mention, ang haba ng pila. meron pa nga balita noon na kung ano-ano, poorly cooked chicken, may ipis sa food, daga (na naluto kasama sa mga chicken…), pati pa nga daliri.
yuck.
yuck talaga.
pero sa akin lang, it’s worth to take the risk. sarap ng chicken e. ganun kasarap.
ng minsan, e nagpadeliver kami. nagspecify ako, breast part. aba, dumating, hindi breast part… inaway ko sila. pinapalitan ko. after 2 hours pa ako nakakain. at least, diba, nakakain ako ng hot and crispy chicken. sarap. sana wag na maulit ang ganung service.
nasubukan ko na rin ang ilang araw na sunod sunod na kfc ang kinain ko. burp. nagsawa rin ako after 3 or 4 days ata yun. pero, after a few days, hinahanap ko nanaman.
adik sa kfc. crisping-crispy kasi.
naalala ko pa ng unang bukas ng kfc sa baguio, sa center mall pa nun. punong puno lagi. ang init, hindi kinaya ng aircon. madaming uminit ang ulo. pero sige pa rin. tapos nag order kami ng kaibigan ko ng zinger. grabe. the best zinger in my memory. nasobrahan nila kasi ng anghang. ganun dapat ang zinger. napaiyak kami. syempre, kakasimula pa lang ng mga crew noon, kaya nasobrahan ang timpla. na-enjoy ko ung ‘mistake’ nila. hinahanap ko ung ganong anghang. yung tipong pagkagat ko ng zinger, pula ung chicken, hindi dahil sa dugo, kundi dahil sa spice. pinawisan talaga ako.
75 pesos. sulit. busog. yung 2 piece chicken naman, 119 pesos ata. pero hindi ko na inoorder. mas gusto ko i-order, dalawang 1 piece chicken. bakit? para parehong breast part. tapos dalawang drinks and rice na yun. mas sulit. kesa naman 119 nga, hindi naman pwede dalawang breast, isa lang drink, tapos isa lang rice. bitin na bitin. sa 75 x 2 = 150, ayos. solved.
naperfect na nila ang manok.
kung tatanongin nyo ako, kain tayo sa labas, alam nyo na. madali lang naman ako kausap e. sa birthday ko… tuwing duty ko… minsan, sa lunch… dinner… no need to ask. sasabihin ko naman kung sawa na ako e.
ewan ko nga ba, na-associate ko naman yung kfc sa crush ko. speaking of which, nakakamiss na sya. huhuhu. tama nga predictions ko.
chicken.

harima days

you loved her, and yet you said nothing. and she never might have really known.
you knew, this is how it’s going to end. from the beginning.
just as you thought it would end. nothing happening.
you are so caught up in that prison of yours you call your home.
comfortable as it seems, you are a prisoner nonetheless. the funny thing is, you never thought of it as a prison. which is actually true.
you were never one to be imprisoned by your emotions and by the stereotypical actions. you were always unpredictable at most.
just as you predicted, you saw her one last time. a glimpse. you smiled at her, she smiled back. and you knew, maybe, that was the last time you would see her. or for the longest time. ah, that small glimpse of
hopeless hope, a dying ember actually. and you know it. yes, it has been imprinted.
and it does not surprise you, that evening, the half-moon shone. that is how your story went. just as you predicted.
and you keep on telling yourself, what a predictable story, what a predictable ending. if it is the end. you wouldn’t admit it is the end.
the end for that matter. ah, the coincidences.
it is an endless cycle. this is not the first time that happened. that is why it does not hurt as much. this time, there were four in the list. even if only the first mattered, seeing the other three somehow lightened up your
day. somehow. but it wouldnt be the same, would it. you know how it all comes to pass.
maybe, that’s why you have mastered the art of concealment. that’s why nobody knows what truly is in that head of yours. much less that heart of yours. and that’s why you have this prevailing theory that it is this why others get curious of your not-so-common personality.
during these times, you are faced up against a wall. it’s nothing really. a wall made up of nothing. just a wall. you feel like you are going nowhere. and somehow, you have learned to accept it. or maybe, just wait. or maybe, with the least worry. you are not going anywhere after all. you just can’t make the hands of time move any faster.
during these times, you tried to seek your own small space in the virtual world of onemanga. week after week, you waited for naruto, bleach, one piece, hunter x hunter. it took you an hour or two, less if the server was fast. it was your small piece of heaven. but it was not enough. it was not enough. you could relate, but not enough. adding law of ueki, claymore, and the latest, school rumble, still was not enough. sigh.
it’s like this. i was not happy. nobody understands, nobody cares. i mean, in that sort of way, the way that they could be of help. yeah, people really do care you know. in other words, no can be of much help. but it is not what bothers me. and so, i tried to come up with something self-satisfying.
something to amuse myself with. that is where manga fit in. and after you’ve read the more interesting ones, you still felt empty. that is why school rumble came in to the picture.
you’re currently stuck with school rumble, because the usual dose of shonen jump manga this week will not be available, the golden week or something. sigh. it’s because you haven’t reached reading up to the 250+ chapter. but you got bored reading the same thing, again and again. nothing really happens between harima and tenma. nothing really happens to anyone of them.
school rumble was hilarious at first. yes, the first 50 chapters. yes, even the next 50. maybe even the succeeding chapter. but it is too tiring.
nothing happens to their love lives. it kind of reminds me of reality.
nothing really happens. so i tried to peek at the most recent chapters.
so, i found out, nothing has really changed. harima still has yet to reveal his true feelings to tenma. tenma is still too thick headed.
sawachika and yakumo, still the same thing. so what, if tenma went to a far off place? and harima went back to his old self? i’ve already read that before. but it was funny once. i never had that fun for a long while.
reality check. life somehow is like that. some people go away. you miss them. you forget them. then someone comes, to repeat the whole cycle.
that does not mean i would stop reading manga. not at this time. while i still have nothing better to do.
yes, i will miss you. maybe, i will see you again. maybe not. i don’t even know why you crossed my life. maybe, i am part of someone else’s manga.
funny. very funny.
*in order to relate, you must at least have an idea of the manga, school rumble.
–> http://www.onemanga.com/school_rumble/

deep thoughts

i was reading law of ueki’s manga when this struck me:

throughout life, people only get a single chance to meet one another… sometimes this single moment could be more important than life itself.
to meet again… is merely based on luck.

iv’e had my chances meeting her. i just never took the chance to know her. maybe, i will never have that chance again. sometimes i wish…
it’s a full moon tonight. which reminds me…
no matter how beautiful, i just don’t have the means of capturing the moon.
ordinary cameras don’t work. you must at least have a 10x optical zoom.
at least 20,000 pesos.
what is stopping me?
it is not the fear of getting hurt or losing. i could be reckless with just a whim. and of all people, i am most frequently thought of as insensitive. what they don’t know is that i know more. it is just that i don’t show it. i hide pretty well. and why hide?
some say that i’m too deep. and most end up in surrender. nobody knows how deep. like i say to myself, they can keep on trying, no one is stopping them. i don’t need to. most likely they’ll fail. i cant even think of anyone who succeeded. just when they think they know me well, that’s when things start to change. again. if you really know me, just ignore the depth.
sometimes, i just know it. i would get this feeling i would see her that day. and it happens. gut feel. as far as i can remember, it always was that way with her. but i just can’t tell until when will i have this chance of seeing her. i wish i knew. but then again, what can i do, even if i did know.
in a few days, she will be gone. maybe, for a while, or maybe, never again to cross my path. the time and chances. yes, i remember. i will remember… and the sun will set for you… sometimes, goodbye’s the only way.
goodbye.
i never had the chance to greet you hello. most likely, i won’t have the chance to tell you goodbye. one thing i know, i will still see you one last time before you go, and that sweet smile of yours. in just a few days.
and the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in gray.
thanks, but no thanks to you, linkin park.
she is not the only one after all. she just happens to be the one right now.
in another segment of my brain:
come to think of it, i never mention about my sister. she knew me like a book. that’s one thing i miss about her. maybe some other time.
i’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, for being so disorganized. but this is not for show.
i’m throwing out my frustrations and not calling them frustrations. and no, i am not suppressed. i have self-control, thank you. don’t you just like me!
yes, there is a side of me to like after all. i’m just not in the mood to show it. as i  always see it, if you happen to like this side of me, despite its harshness, how much more if you see the good side. i tend to put my worst foot forward. if it works, so will will the other foot.
i’m tired. i’ll just wait.

orange

as usual, the same old nonsense. hey, nordi, mas masaya naman eto kesa sa serious mood ko. buti naman at naalala mo pa kami dito.
so orange. yes, another color. nang college kami maraming kwento tungkol sa orange. kagaya ng babaeng orange ang pantalon. sumikat sya sa orange nyang pantalon. kasi parang favorite nya ata na pantalon yun. kaya ang tawag sa kanya ay….. orange girl. ah, naalala ko na ung tunay nyang pangalan. sa totoo lang, ung apilyedo lang. wag ko nalang babanggitin. kawawa naman sya. hindi naman sa nilalait ko sya sa pantalon nya, pero parang napaka-clueless kasi ata nya. malayo pa lang alam mo na sya na yun. makita mo lang sa bintana ng rizal building, kahit sa silang pa sya alam mo sya yun. at least mabait naman sya. ata. kasi hindi ko rin sya nakakausap (lalo na tungkol sa pantalon nya). medyo pangit pakinggan, pero ka-bio rin namin sya. haay, buhay kolehiyo. makulay.
napa isip tuloy ako. nang first year med ako, medyo weirdo pa ako nun. ata. naka tayo pa buhok ko nun. ginagaya ko kasi si vegeta. wala pa akong pakialam sa iba. biruin mo, naging doctor yun…. tapos isang araw, sabado yun, pwedeng mag civilian, akalain mo ba naman nagsuot ng orange over-alls. parang preso. ang tingkad sa mata. bright to the eyes. pasok sa auditorium, deretso sa likod. weirdo. naalala ko pa kung bakit ko sinuot yun. i dared myself. ayun. next time dont dare me, ok. (ok). kaya nyo yun? hindi pa uso ang ganung hairstyle noon. 2 years later pa. which reminds me, para nga pala si naruto no… hmmm… ako pala yung original. wala pang naruto nun. siguro pareho kaming wavelength ng mga hapon. yan ang nagagawa ng tao na walang magawa.
tapos yung orange na pagkain, which is obviously called ‘orange’. wala akong kwento dun. iba na lang.
orange and lemons meron pa. nung nasa davao ako bumili ako ng cd ng orange and lemons. bagong sikat pa lang nila. syempre, yung pirated version pa yun. tapos paulit ulit na pinatugtog sa cd player ni sherwin. sherwin, nasan ka na? musta na pards? …umuwi ka na baby…. pero ung si sherwin, mas trip nya si juris and chin. mymp umaga, tanghali, gabi. lagi kasi syang sawi sa pag-ibig. nahawa ata ako sa kanya. dinibdib namin ung mga songs. from love moves to tell me where it hurts. senting senti. hanggang ngayon nag-e-echo pa ung boses. nagutom tuloy ako, na-aasociate ko kasi sa space burger. moonyeen, di mo na ako ni-rereplyan a. patty, wala pa tayong nakakain na lobster…. naalala ko tuloy mga co-interns ko. reminiscing….
ang saya din ng mga araw na iyon.
isa pang mamimiss ko na orange: ung bus na saint rose na papuntang alabang… medyo late na kasi, tapos kelangan ko na umuwi. hindi na pala dumadaan sa harap ng ospital ang saint rose. bawal na ang provincial buses sa taft. haay.
sigh. bat ko nga ba naisip yung orange? hmm…. nakalimutan ko na.

cool crazy fun

there’s something cool about this girl, crazy, fun. she’s so cool, watching her having crazy fun! sarap sabayan. i wish i had a girl this fun.

speaking of bored, i guess when supply can’t keep up with the demand, things appear to move too slow. like eons. in chess, it’s like having the whole game already mapped out in my mind while waiting for the opponent to make up his mind and move. move! i’m already steps ahead.

multi-tasking.

ooo

2 months and she will be gone. 2 months. hurt. forget and forget.

forgetting has its upsides and downsides. on one end, you tend to forget your troubles away. everything becomes fleeting, everything becomes new and exciting. on the other end, it’s such a pain trying hard to recall something that’s on the tip of your tongue. after much thought, i’d rather be forgetful.

sino ka na nga?

ooo

… and daft punk keeps playing on my mind… *chinky-chinky-chinky-chinky*

ooo

dreaming of days that don’t exist…….

the (boring) drama continues

yes. life goes on. i am not supposed to write something here. because there is nothing to write. you are not obliged to read. because there is nothing to read.
i feel old. that is part of getting older. i don’t feel any wiser. that should have been part of getting old. i look old. i wouldn’t mind if only i had accomplished something.
ah, love. love. love is in the air. how suffocating. it is so tiring, after all.
entwined but never joined. coming somewhere from the pirates of the carribean.
throwing my frustrations out the window. i don’t feel like i am accomplishing anything at all. what a waste of time.
as you see, these are fragments. airing fragments of my thoughts. probably only i could decipher all these misleading words. yes. like sheila. it throws you off course.
i wonder what i would come up with next. if there is a next.
surfing used to be fun. except now. weekly shonen jump is the only satisfying piece. but only for the hour of reading the latest one piece. it keeps me wondering. wandering.
anneke lee? who? when? or where… i just wonder.
it is good to forget sometimes. forgetting is the hard part. it is a mode of killing. it is quite heavy on the heart.
friendster becomes a lonely place. this is where you realize how weird some stuff are.
i am like a puzzle. too hard to even bother solving. why solve? yes, why should someone solve… i have other things to do. supposedly.
give me two more years. i keep thinking just two more years. then i could start conquering the world. or maybe just restart life from scratch. two long years.
i could have gone home early. but there is nothing to do at home. well, apart from reading about the complexity of the knee, probably. tell me again, why should i make life that complex?
i sleep less than six hours a day. and you think i am complaining? sleep used to be bliss. until i ran out of dreams. yes. that’s it! i am running out of dreams.
just like stumbling upon websites ain’t as fun as it used to be. it is so hard to come across something worthwhile nowadays.
just like listening to the radio. there ain’t much sound music out there anymore.
that’s not the problem. it’s about the work load i am anticipating. yes, anticipating. it is not even here. and to think in two years time it would not mean a thing. ahh.
whatever. yes. whatever…. and you took the time to read.

naisip ko lang

maraming klase ng tao sa mundo. interesado ako sa apat na klase ng marurunong:
1. ung tao na alam kung ano ang dapat gawin.
2. ung tao na alam pano gawin ang isang bagay.
3. ung tao na alam kung sino ang pwedeng gumawa ng dapat gawin.
4. at ung tao na alam ipag-ugnay ang unang tatlong tao.
maraming tao alam ano ang dapat gawin, hindi lang marunong paano gawin.
may mga tao marunong paano gumawa, wala lang kakayahan gumawa.
ang ibang tao maraming kilala na magaling, sabihin mo lang sino ang kailangan.
kung may kilala lang sana ako na katulad ng tatlo. mayaman na sana tayo.

ooo
maraming klase ng intelligence. hindi lang magaling sa papel. it’s about mental ability. as long as marunong ka pano gamitin ang utak, matalino kang bata ka.
marami jan magaling sa eskwela palpak naman sa buhay. nagka-utak ka pa.
1. meron magaling sa calculations and problem solving, ala math wizard
2. meron magaling sa memorization, ala photographic memory
3. meron naman magaling sa communication, mataas ang e.q. kung baga
4. meron din ung magaling maka-isip ng imbentsyon, tipong dexter
5. may mga musically inclined, may sariling tugtog
6. ung iba mabilis maka-adapt, tipong mcgyver, ang bilis matuto, skillful
7. isa naman mataas ang leadership, magaling magplano, strategist. parang chess
8. pero ung paborito ko sa lahat ay ung tao na ubod ng swerte. hindi naman sya ganun ka talino, lucky lang. ang galing nga nya e, wala naman sya nagawa pero napasama sya sa listahan na ito.
there is no such thing as luck. tinadhana talaga yun. pre-determined na ma-swerte. buti pa sya. buti na lang.

ooo

namimiss ko na ang tumawa. masaya pa naman ako, hirap lang matawa. naiwan ko yata somewhere in the past ung sense of humor ko. pakibalik na lang pls.

the next big thing

for the past weeks, since i had access to the internet…
i have been wandering high and low searching to and fro for something worth my time.
and what did i come up with this time?
1. stumbleupon.com
2. clipmarks.com
these two sites make my day. they are the next big thing to happen to the internet, next to google’s success, next to firefox’s blaze, next to youtube’s phenomenal hit. it would be wise to invest in these two if only i had something to invest with. all i have right now is time.
…i forgot to include no. 3, metacafe.com
stumbleupon.com
    once upon a time… and then one day, i investigated on firefox’s add-on, stumbleupon. i was curious enough to discover its wonders. it led to a rediscovery of the word "surfing". basically, once installed, a single push of a button gives you a webpage suited to your interest, a page highly recommended by a fellow "stumbler", a page you might have never thought existed. you’ll be surprised, meron pala nito! although not always. highly recommended for the surfer dudes and dudettes, the bored and not so bored.
clipmarks.com
    and then another day… i tried firefox’s clipmarks add-on. it was so cool. you could actually "clip" segments of a webpage. then you could save it to an account, share it if you want, watch it grow popular. i soon realized it worked well with my "stumbling". i stumble here, clip the good parts, build a personal collection, share it with others. at the same time, i get to see what others are clipping as well. it is like a newspaper with a live feed.
metacafe.com
    it is similar to youtube, a collection of videos. but, unlike other video collections, this site pays for original videos that get popular. mind you, it has to be original and popular. it gives me ideas how to make money… hmm… what to shoot….
previously, i press the stumble button and wait for a good site to pass me by. currently, what i do is go to stumbleupon.com, click on top stumblers, and browse through their collections. and then, i clip pictures i fancy amongst their collections, post it to clipmarks. that takes care of my photo gallery. that takes care of my "fun".
going back to the idea of my post, it is simply this: watch out for the rise of these sites. if only i could buy stocks…. my prediction, stumbleupon and clipmarks will be bought by larger corporations such as yahoo or google. or, someone will come up with a better idea, like a cross between stumbleupon and clipmarks. checkout the link: http://movers20.esnips.com/
who reads this blog anyway? just for the record, i made this prediction.
ooo
advanced happy valentines!
kala nyo hindi ako busy sa ospital? medyo busy lang. tumitindi pa lang ang katoxican. nakaka online pa rin. oops, umaga na… maaga pa pasok ko… bye bye.

it's hard to be mean

sometimes you are reminded of the past that should have been forgotten. it brings back some memories, it brings back some names, it brings back some feelings. and you are faced with clashing emotions now that you have learned to come up with a new perspective as a coping mechanism. you were much different from now. you have succeeded in suppressing the past. almost completely. almost.
i have to be firm. i have to be cold. i am immune [even if i have learned there is no such thing as immunity, only people with high resistance]. and it is difficult. impossible not to be affected. it is like re-opening an old wound. it doesn’t hurt [my ego] anymore.
i don’t have to be angry anymore, i don’t have to be hurt. just plain passive without emotion. apathy. it’s hard work. i wish i didn’t have to do this. but sometimes, you just have to forget. it’s a skill.
victims of fate.
bago lang pinaalala ako ng isang tao na akala ko nakalimutan ko na. gaya ng sabi ko, mixed emotions. umiikot ang looban ng dibdib. nanlalamig. masarap alalahanin, ngunit ang nasa isip — sayang. nasabi ko naman ang dapat kong sabihin, wala na ako magagawa pa doon. kalimutan ko na [ano mang hangarin, maliban siguro sa masayang ala-ala]. bawal kasi yun.
dead end.
minsan, madalas ng mga nakaraang linggo, ibang tao naman na-aalala ko.
ang kaso naman sa kanya, hindi na ako nagsalita. basta na lang ako nawala. siguro nga hindi kasing sakit ang manahimik kesa sa magsalita. mas mabuti nga ang makalimot habang mas maaga. what-ifs? wag nang isipin. wala ka rin magagawa. keep the good memories na lang. sinabi nang bawal.
wag nang tumuloy sa dead end. dead end talaga yun.
nagiging masamang tao tuloy ako nito. tao na walang puso. nangangain ng tao ng buhay. antipatiko.
so what. who cares.
maybe this is my form of vindication. apathy. forgetting. reducing its meaning into nothing. and one day, i’ll be somewhere else. without a trace. and the past will also be somewhere else. also without a trace.
nothing happened.
pwede na matulog.

anong bago

in short, wala. eto pa rin.
finally, im breaking the long silence. ayoko ko pa sana.
sa kasalukuyan, nandito na ako sa manila. bago ang lahat, salamat k alex, inencourage nya ako tahakin ang landas na ito. salamat k charles, kaya nandito ako ngayon kung nasaan ako. salamat sa tulong ni teng, madali kong natanggap ang desisyon na ito. salamat kina jay, nani, mark, dennis, aidan, jim…. sa mga dota days.
sya nga pala, nakalimutan ko. salamat k jowjow, nakapagwork ako sa notre. salamat kina alessie, jackie, junie, nonie, sheila, ting, at sa iba pa (madami kayo pero ung nabanggit ko lang ung mga nasa friendster ko), naging masaya naman ang stay ko sa notre. salamat sa mga partners in crime ko, si buntis na jo-ann at si jolyn. mga churvalets kayo!
ang kuwento. in summary, nagmunlyt ako sa notre last year, from august to december. sometime in july kasi, kumain kami sa labas nila teng at ni jowjow. sabi ni jowjow, subukan ko raw mag apply magmunlyt sa notre. e di sige, wala naman ako ginagawa at that time. 5 months na ako na bakante noon pagkatapos ng board exam.
during that time, pumasok sa isip ko magresidency training, courtesy of dr. and dra. black. rehab med. yup. pareho siguro tayo ng iniisip ng una. ano ba talaga ang rehab med? para mamaya na yun. aba, inencourage ako ni alex, ok daw un. why not, sabi ko. nakuwento ko k teng. somewhere along the line, nakaabot k charles ang balita na interested ako sa rehab med. binigay nya name ko sa pgh. and then one day, tinawagan ako. ang sabi ko sa january na lang ako magsimula. kaya ayun.
ano ba ang rehab med? first, its not about drugs, pare. actually, hindi rin ako masyado familiar. hanggang ngayon. eto kasi ung pt-pt, ot-ot, … ibang mundo. hindi ko nga alam ng una ano ang ot. occupational therapy. para paguluhin pa ang utak mo, meron pang speech therapy. masyado na magulo. para ma-explain ng mabuti, ang (physical and) rehabilitation medicine ay branch ng medicine na nagrerehabilitate ng mga pasyente na may impairment, disability, or handicap (pati ako medyo naguguluhan pa sa pinagkaiba ng tatlo), eto ung mga pasyente na na-istroke, na heart attack, na aksidente, na-pilayan, nasunog…. basta ung naapektuhan ang regular activities of life dahil sa nagkasakit (at saka mga kids na may palsy, global develomental delay, pati ung mga adhd, etc., ang dami). in short, we try to restore them to their original state or at least to the best condition possible. napapa-english na ako. ang haba na. so, it’s about creating a program of exercises (c/o pt), training in activities of daily living (c/o ot), meron din psychology, pagrerecommend ng braces, orthoses, prostheses, … blah blah blah. magtanong na lang kayo ano gusto nyo malaman. wala? good.
bat ko naisipan yun? kasi, hindi toxic. pero syempre, habang residente ako dito, toxic. at saka 3 years lang ang training.
kamusta ang pgh? ok lang. kaso ang layo from home. everyday 1 1/2 hours trip ko papunta at pabalik ng bahay. sa cavite pa kasi ako umuwi meanwhile… nyehehe.
chicks? wala pa.
masaya ba? ok lang. wala pa ako money. hindi pa nga ako residente, pre-res pa lang.
mahirap ba? hindi pa naman. siguro sa feb, pag nagsimula na as genuine resident. so far, once pa lang ako nagduty. walang nangyari. kumain lang ako ng dinner. at breakfast. sa feb, schedule namin every six ang duty. mag isa kada duty. toxic na ang dalawang referral sa duty.
e ang baguio? nakakamis ang kama. kahit malamig. kaya nga nakakamis e. init dito. wala akong ka-dota dito.
nagbago nanaman ang mood ko. yoko na magsulat. bye.

chains of command

on one end is the master.
on the other end, the mongrel.

walang masama

hindi naman siguro masama ang maalala ka
at alalahanin ka, mga masayang alaala
ng iyong pag-ngiti sa akin
sinasadya mo man o hindi
yun ang naiwan mo sa akin
hindi ko bibigyan ng kulay
yun lang yun. masaya. walang masama.

rem's revolution

he was trying to forget someone he longed to see so much.
he wanted to try what he knew wouldn’t work.
he won’t give up the very thing that was preventing him.
he remained faithful to an empty promise.
he was willing to wait for nothing with heaviness.
he was bored but never saw it as complaining.
he was thinking of shouting her name but saw no purpose.
remembering her brought up a smile and sadness.
time was no enemy but a wall between them.
silence were his chains to sanity.
he loved so much that he didn’t care anymore.
he did not seek comfort for there was none.
he understood no one understands.
he never questioned because answers never came.
he couldn’t move, he didn’t move, he shouldn’t move.
he tried to supress his foolish emotions.
he tried to express futility.
[and he succeeded]
dreams. sweet dreams.
in your dreams, sleepy head.

additions to the green

greenbook revisited
(how) i wish you were here right here beside me right now
even if i know i will be, might be seeing you again tomorrow
the moment is so different without you
i may be here but my thoughts remain with you
and i’m missing every moment
i might be a dreamer but it’s worth dreaming of you (maybe).
what’s in a name? would it be fair if i ask you yours and i give you mine? just for this chance even if our paths don’t cross again the memory of meeting you of knowing you (sweet memory) your name, your face, your smile (in memory). why is it so wrong to ask you even just for a name even just for the memory of this chance, chance of meeting you [just a name]

from the blues

if life had a reset button i would have pressed it and lived my life all over again. we miss out on a lot of thins, especially those little things we took for granted. there are so many opportunities wasted. there were so many wrong decisions made.
ooo
you must understand, evil doesn’t show its true colors.
there will come a time when all "third" eyes will be opened and when that time comes, fear will grip the hearts of men. it signifies the spirit of God has removed its hand between man and demons.
psychics may save you from present danger but not from impending doom.
true prophets were never attractive to people. they never displayed power. they only served as channels for God’s mesage to be conveyed.
don’t yo know that revelations supercede psychic ability. you may see, you may feel, but i know the masters behind puppets.
ooo
the true beauty of history are the unrecorded battles that rage in man’s head, not only what is read.
my philosophy in life, life is a story called history, my life of which is only a part of it. the main character is no one else other than the Author Himself. history is a story about God and how He relates to His masterpiece, creation.
ooo
12. the hours of a clock. twice it turns in a single day. 12. the chapters of a book. twice read, gives a different meaning if read once around.
you have began to read my revelations. a mimic of creation, how my world began, this is the story of our life as seen in a microcosm. the story’s end is found at the beginning, when you finally understood what it was all about. but you never understood then unless youv’e read the passages twice over. until you understand that my story ended at the moment of its creation, the story has no beginning and no end.
all of these was an elaborate play, a work of genius, a crafted art, meant to please and displease the hearts of men. it is a reflection of my reality and in itself is a part of reality.
i reveal to you my creation, my world.
written in the shadows by my own hand, revealed only by the poorest light through the makings of the wearied mind. waiting for the darkness to end.
we talk about nothing. we end up with nothing. is this the way you want it to be?
don’t you know i’m dying? i was dying since the day i was born. all these years, i was in the process of making my death meaningful. i was trying to make sense of my death. life is about dying.
ooo
a key to open all things hidden. a key to unlock closed doors. a key with the power to change great things.
ooo
the traditional man thinks by experience first, and followed by the book.
ooo
i seek no console, no understanding for i shall find none. in its own time, in its own manner it will come.

green apples

for a piece of paper the heart of man. herein lies the mystery of life in a single light.
imperfect as it seems, it all depends…
monday, the 11th day of the 11th month, 2002.
i found myself wondering about life and trying to make sense of it–again. i guess i never will, up until the ending days.
life is a journey. my quest began a long time ago. 23 years of living. up until now, i am still unsure of where i really am, how far i’ve come or where i really am supposed to go. life is full of surprises, great and small.
wednesday, the 13th. i found myself "stuck" again. i am "stuck" in a world that doesn’t seem to be moving. if ever it does, it’s too slow for me. what gives. i’m not in a hurry for anything. i am "stuck" in a room of "learning" where theories fly left and right, theories i would never use, rarely if ever. i am "stuck" in this state of "numbness", a drone of society waiting for the next "orders".
friday, 22. sometimes, i feel like i’m way ahead my years. i think like how i should think in two or three years. it’s like my contemporaries will think the same way i do in a year or two. i must say, it gets too lonely sometimes.
i have stopped dreaming a long time ago. it was due to a realization that i would never achieve them anyway. recently, attempts are made to revive the hope found in my childhood, but with much difficulty. partly, there is still the impossibility of having it all. therefore, a decision has been reached to dream only of the most simplest things, and to achieve them one at a time. right now, i am having difficulty in choosing what to dream of!
tuesday, 26. lost clusters of memory.
"i, friend or foe; treat me as one that i shall be."
"the medication for depression: direction in life."
friday, 6th day of december, 2002.
so many things are left unsettled. so many things never to be settled. my life with all its amenities is a mess. but i guess it’s much better than someone else’s. today, was a good day of rest, despite the fact that i learned nothing. so what have i accomplished so far?
to begin with, i am priveleged to be earning a degree superior than those of my contemporaries in grade school and high school. i wonder where they are now.
only to find myself among the "cream of the crop". yeah, sure, whatever. you think so? not really. i’m not so different after all, especially if you see me as just one of the hundreds of medical students in one of the hundreds of medical schools in one of the most puny countries. but then, there are a hundred more better than i. this is where i cease. this is my place in life. is it?
i am trying to come up with an entry for the upcoming "kuwaderno". it is for the prestige and honor of being counted in. but also, it is for an expression of a better literature worthy to be called "kuwaderno". just so that "they" may have something worth reading.
2002, sunday, 15th of december.
he scoffed at the bible.
the man beside him noticed it immediately and began to speak, "why do you scorn at a book you know so little of?"
he was wise in his own eyes and wiser in the eyes of men. without much effort he replied, "the little that i know of it is enough…." his attitude spoke a lot about him.
19th.
…
there are some things so beautiful but you could not own. the closest thing is having them for your eyes to see.
…

politics - beating a tired horse/ whores

if 75 million people moved in one direction the world will tilt (even more). set the coordinates, destination: the golden age of the republic.
progress is determined 99% by politicians. the remaining 1% is attributed to chance. if prevailing politicians don’t get their acts together, the ordinary men are forced to be politicians themselves.
i’d rather live in a country in civil war fighting for truth and justice than a country seemingly peacful and prosperous while corruption and lies overreign.
because true peace and prosperity can only come from prevailing truth and justice.
while it is in your interest to protect the people to uphold our welfare, you have lost that right by virtue of cheating.
the enemy of the government are ones who undermined its power.
ooo
kung mabasa ito ng intelligence, meron ba sila nun? robot lang kasi sila. madaling sumunod sa mga utos. read. laugh. ignore. report. walang ka-emotion.
kung pinayagan sana ni jose na nagtagumpay si crisostomo, marahil mas maaga natapos ang kuwento. ngunit patay na si ibarra, patay na rin si rizal. hanggang ngayon buhay pa rin si damaso sa gobyerno. sayang naman ang sakripisyo ng mga bayani. akala kasi nila cool ang mamatay para sa bayan. nagkamali sila ng akala.
ooo
[i am sorry]
mahal ko ang pilipinas
nababalot sa dilim
hawak ng mga dayuhan
kapit sa patalim
ito ang aking bayan
patay na ang mga bayani
kahit mabagal ang hustisya
basta’t kami’y masaya
masagana ang mga kurakot
pero ayos lang sa amin
dahil kami ay kanilang alipin
masarap naman ang pinapakain
magulo lang ang pagbabago
sa bahay na lang ako
pagbutihin na lang ang trabaho
yan ang magandang payo
mabuhay sana ang pilipinas
habang kami’y nasa undas
kalimutan na ang prinsipyo
aanhin pa ng patay na kabayo
wala na bang mga matalino
kesa mga unggoy sa trono
hawak ang mga baril
pamalo ng mga bobo
malakas man sumuntok
sa hangin naman ang bagsak
wala yan sa sipag at tiyaga
mauubusan ka rin ng hangin
i am sorry.
ooo
para sa mga sundalong nawalan ng landas: yan ba ang tinuturo sa academy na yan ang isarado ang mga mata sa hustisya, ang payagan ang mandaraya makaupo sa palasyo at kulungin ang mga taong may prinsipyo? loyalkayo sa pulitiko hindi sa republika. courage ng mga duwag at walang prinsipyo. honor ny sa inyo na lang. magbuhat ng bangko. pambihira handa kayo ibuwis ang buhay nyo pero hindi and sweldo at ang status symbol na tingga. sinong may sabi wala kayong magawa. minsan ang dishonorable discharge ang pinakahonorableng gawin. lalo na ang matanggal sa isang organization ng corruption. ang bobo nyo naman, hawak kayo sa leeg. parang naman sa mga hari nakasalalay ang ating buhay. nabuhay naman tayo ng wala sila. ilang beses na silang napalitan. bakit ngayon hindi na pwede.
nakakahiya kayo. ang mga ordinaryong mamamayan pa ang kailangan humatak sa inyo na gawin ang inyong tungkulin sa republika. hindi sana umaabot ng twenty years ang paghihirap. at sino ang proprotekta sa amin laban sa karahasan kung wala kayo? nagpapatawa ka ba? baka kayo pa nga ang papatay sa amin. kayo at ang inyong sugar mommy. buti pa mag nursing na lang kayo at suma-ibang bansa. may dollars pa.
isipin ba naman proud na proud maging sundalo. tuta pa kamo. harap-harapan ginago ang bandila, gawa ng inyong mga amo. mabuhay ang pilipinas (sa corruption at katiwalian)
ooo
truth can be so insulting to one’s intelligence.

heart bits

emotions are unreasonable
imagine losing someone for years
hoping to see each other again one day
holding on only to faith
because of love
hope is there because of faith
faith is there because of love
… and love is something i can’t control
i woke up one day realizing
this (life) was scripted.
ooo
i can still remember your face
as you were walking towards me
but those were the days
we were careless and free
but ever since i’ve fallen for you
it’s been a curse i can’t fight
i just can’t deny that it’s true
even if i know it just isn’t right
for me to just stand here
and do nothing with this pain
no one will notice no one will hear
i just wish it would rain.
it came upon me. i realized why.
i heard jay once say, "determination is not enough". it was gon who said that. then kai mentioned or rather asked, "ganun ba talaga ka-big-deal yun?" i didn’t quite get who she was referring to. but it opened my eyes. a little bit more. was it a big thing for me? would it be a big deal for her? from then on i saw my weakness. i hate to admit it. i am weak.
ooo
learn to live and let go. live life. know your limits.
ooo
emotions were never this hard to control before. love was never this difficult as far as i could recall. you are my objective, there’s no sense in not trying.
ooo
tell me. was it a wrong decision i made…
is there no cure to this pain?
deep within is this answer:
set your heart on things above.
could i help it?
is it not true?
just a little bit more…
i won’t make it.
no one makes it on his own.
there is no need to worry.
there are far more greater concerns.
far far (more) greater.
always.
your chains mean nothing.
your pain means nothing.
it hurts because that is all you know [resist]
but you should know more than that.
the word is–vanity.
just finish what you could accomplish.
use all of your talents.
ooo
will you listen to me even just for one moment
even if my mouth’s closed just hear my cry
it’s not too often someone’s here with me
if only you could understand at least appear to be
because no one understands what i’m feeling
not even myself. i just want your presence
even if you’re somewhere else. will you listen
my silence says it all. i’ve got nothing more to say.
ooo
she spoke (beautiful is not the term i was looking for) she spoke truthfully (nothing is more beautiful than the truth). she wrote so candidly. and for her, my gratitude for my existence as a journalist. this is inspired by you, jik.
ooo
do away with motives for the time being, they make matters look so complicated. what is written is to be read as an expression of what lies within. grafitti. allow me. remain true.
proceed no further. subject to hurt. it’s not the primary reason. you would gladly sacrifice. when faced with conflict, don’t violate the rules. violators will be punished. executed. remain true.
ooo
object of my affection
keeps me in suspended animation
you are my inspiration
but i can’t move on.
ooo
no one will hear. no one will know. except one day. the night i dreamt of you. once more. just when i thought i’ve given up. you remain so dear to me. was i thinking out loud, when i called out your name the moment you appeared before my eyes. maybe it was all in wishful thinking i thought i heard you say my name. but i can’t act. i can’t explain. how i wish all nights were the same. thinking of you was good while it all lasted. at least i saw you once more and felt this feeling again.
ooo
i’m trying my best to forget you. somehow a part of me hopes that i won’t. my heart and my mind keeps on clashing not knowing when will this end. although i’m already numb from the pain, just the thought keeps on haunting, playing over and over again. one day, all i’m waiting for is that day, soon it will be over. but for now…
ooo
fading embers of a dark blue night
stars that shine are the only light
who will guide our way but the distant hope
the remaining fragments of our distant hope
the memory of you.
ooo
solitude offers no comfort anymore.
it’s not that i embraced solitude
but that solitude embraced me
not that loneliness understood me
but i understood loneliness.
i was alone, but i never felt loneliness.
ooo
solitude is a maddening state of which
only a few have a high tolerance for.
patience is a gamble but highly rewarding.
ooo
i will just wait here.
under the rain.
in darkness.
in silence.
eyes shut.
mouth shut.
left to my own.

my notes in medicine 2

medicine 2
[somewhere in the middle of my notes]
november 28, wednesday
circa 1pm
once in a blue moon.
the blue moon appeared, this time with a yellow pillow
fine silk displayed in all its splendor.
i wasn’t able to stand the glare.
in my memory was an after image
only time knew how long it would last.
i wish i could see it more often
otherwise remove the blinding haze in my eyes.
the beautiful blue moon, i don’t know what it means,
it could be a curse or a cure to desolation
tic toc tic toc tic toc tic toc
system activated.
cleared. and ready…
long rests have a way of making one’s mood depressed.
the directives remain to be seen.
i am hungry.
steamworks of the heart
the furnace is kept warm
white smoke arise profusely
as the machinery slows
in a river, in a lake, one night
on a boat gently cruising
glass water mirrors stars
fleeting clouds in a distant sky
orion’s belt felt closer
a siren’s song in a still evening
i can see my fate
my past has ceased to be the present
as time has stopped
the lion sleeps half awake
waiting for something to occur
at the right moment it shall awaken and gain its rightful place
when destiny was not to be given much thought.
unleashing of the all seeing eye is circumstantial.
no one can touch you through such armor.
except. from within.
in silence i lay wait

chopsuey lyrics

…parang atin ang gabi
para bang wala tayong katabi
at tayo’y sumayaw
na parang di na tayo bibitaw
…pwede ba kitang tabihan
kahit na may kasama ka nang iba?
-(lyrics chopped from) sugarfree
ooo
i know you think that
i shouldn’t still love you
or tell you that
but if i didn’t say it
well i’d still have felt it
where’s the sense in that
i promise i’m not trying
to make your life harder
or return to where we were
but i will go down with this ship
and i won’t put my hands up
and surrender
there will be no white flag
above my door
i’m in love and always will be
i know i left
too much massive destruction
to come back again
and i cause nothing but trouble
i understand if you can’t
talk to me again
and if you live by the rules
that it’s over
then i’m sure that makes sense
i will remain jump-shore we will
our love will stay
t’will be there still
i’d let it pass and hold my tongue
and you will feel that i’ve moved on
-dido (white flag)
ooo
once in your life you find someone
who will turn your world around
bring you up when you’re feeling down
now nothing can change what you mean to me
there’s lots that i could say
but just hold me now…
baby, you’re all that i want…
i’ve been waiting for so long
for something to arrive
for love to come along
i’ll be standing there for you
-(lyrics chopped from) bryan adams
ooo
chop chop!

detached from somewhere

the language barrier is here to stay. but it does not move, it just stands in the way. what you can’t go through, try going over, or around or even under.
ang gustong basahin ng mga tao ngayon ay tagalog. ung nakaka-relate sila. pero di rin, magkaiba kasi ang vernacular sa native language. ang native language kung sa tagalog mala-florante at laura, el filibusterismo setting at walang jologs. kung baga, ibang level. syempre, iba naman ang "native" language na tutukoy sa local dialect, iba yun. kagaya ng ilokano shak, wen manen. mas interesting ang vernacular. yun ang hinahanap ng karamihan ngayon. at karaniwang dialect na gamit ay taglish. exciting. joe rizal ang makabagong writings. jologs. corny. english word naman ang "corny" diba? okay lang. pati ang "okay" english din. okay lang naman ang taglish, basta masaya at napaka-down-to-earth. ewan ko ba kung bakit maraming hate-na-hate at nakokornihan dun.
the education system of this day and age is compared to a factory where almost everything is mass produced. on the good side of it, more people attain  the benefit of a satisfactory education. all of it are at the expense of the highly specialized proportion wherein it serves as an inhibition for their growth and development. as a result, skilled and gifted individuals tend to move outside of the country where a more suitable environment permits them to attain their full potential.
the problem i have with this system is that there seems to be a conflict of interest. the goals of the system is generalized and self-serving, but also does not discount the fact that my own goals are also self-serving.
in the process, it fills up an individual with too much non-essentials to a certain point wherein the interest of the same individual are set aside and not fully developed. it destroys an individual’s noble idea for a thinking of its own, the society determines what ideas are to be brought up.
this is really not the case in most ingenuous ideas to come up. they are a product of spontaneity and individual uniqueness. ironically…
"the less one speaks, the more people listen."

foolishness of the blind

my quiver is full of the sharpest arrows. my bow is ready to strike.
ooo
if only i were (someone) who could escape to my dreams.
ooo
i have to serve, i have to. not that i want to, but because i know i have to serve.
ooo
sword of the saint light of the north spread the word our dreams will come true
we share a common goal a united republic the golden republic
ooo
swords of freedom
swords of justice
guns of freedom
blades of truth
ooo
i can only speak for myself, what i feel, what i think.
ooo
plans of destruction
destroy destroy destroy.
frog prince. prince frog.
kill. and be killed.
dark banishing.
beholder.
go fish.
ooo
and i feel like my world is getting smaller sooner or later no space to call my own and dreams remain as dreams it no longer seems what it seems.
ooo
>    "…it depends on what information you seek."
>>    "the information i seek is hard to find."
    he added, "…if not, impossible to obtain."
>    "what do you want to know?"
>>    he thought long and hard. "it’s hard to explain right now."
>    "but you know it in you, what you want?"
>>    there was silence on his part. "i’ll think about that, later."
ooo
folishness of the blind. foolishness of the blind.
FOOLISHNESS OF THE BLIND.

man over-bored

everything is going according to God’s plan.
(i was) lying on my bed thinking, seemingly wasting time, but i won’t move. i realized this is what i should have done a long time ago, press the pause button. [][] let the body rest. and let the mind work. for once, stop moving forward towards nowhere. there is nothing there but vanity. in vain. trust me.

you wake up each morning with the purpose to keep your eyes open because there’s no sense in keeping it closed until you’re tired. what really have you accomplished?

cobwebs overhead. now, should i sweep them? why? cleaner. is that what you want? no. i just want to appreciate those cobwebs over me. that sense of satisfaction in accomplishment.

ooo
listen to the song
creeping to your head
was there something wrong
with words that were said
spiders in your head
cobwebs beneath your bed
ooo
after waiting for some time…
… there are no directions(?) after all(?)
you have to make them(??)
on my bed, in my head.
or just wait some more.
all you have are just the principles
but where are you heading?
what should you do?
is waiting okay?
and while you are waiting?
think? write? draw? study? plan? nothing?
waiting is wasting for people like me.
ooo
unfortunately, waiting forever
literally meant forever.
no one can wait that long.
ooo
i guess…
it’s time for me to fix things
leave nothing to chance.
it’s not for me to close doors
neither should i open them.
ooo
magaling ka. pero alam mo bang gamitin?
wala sa pag-aaral ang mga lessons ng buhay.
ooo
there were simply no secrets to unveil. no mysteries worth exploring.
plans? i don’t make plans. i just follow orders.
before me was a door. where it leads to i don’t know. attempts were made to enter but to no avail. it wasn’t a bother neither was i curious enough. there just wasn’t a reason to remember… or forget. it just stood there as i stood there. waiting. knowing time will tell.
ooo
options:
A. wait
B. there is no plan B.
C. don’t wait
D. just wait
ooo
what a stressful life! this medicine is. ah. i don’t remember asking for this. far from what i imagined. or because i did not imagine anything before. up until now. i just don’t know what lies ahead, that’s all. not that i’m complaining. do i have a choice. fate has brought me here. there is no other way but this direction. to the death! i salute you.
ooo
what do we do now?
after seeing all there is to see… it’s becoming more excitingly–depressing. frustration.
the story is so engrossing you can no longer wait for more. we must start making stories of our own.
but i can’t move in my current state.
secrets.–talents. abilities. skills.
quest.–search. discover. invent.
mission.–pass the boards.
ooo
the board exam is a joke–
(if you failed it, it was a bad joke;)
(if you pass it, now that’s a good one!)
joke joke joke!
failing it makes it a terrible joke;
passing it makes it a good one!
does anyone deserve to pass?
if so, does he deserve to take the test?
well lad, you deserve the exam….
ooo
PATIENCE…a little more…time.
WAIT. (deep breathing) close your world. SHUT. OFF. (fade to black)

nuggets from magic

magic cards oracle text. words in [brackets] are the card names. ng minsan, walang magawa ang barkada. naglaro ng magic cards. hindi nakuntento, nagprint ng magic cards. sa ngayon, isa na lang ala-ala ito. too much occultic. sa kabilang dako, may mga napulot din namang coolness. and questionable coolness. mga natatanging sayings sa cards.  hindi ko naman sinasabing sang-ayon ako sa lahat. masarap lang isulat. saka ko pag-aralan. kung meron man konting aral.

we plant the seeds of doubt to harvest the crop of wisdom.
-[monk realist]

belief is the strongest mortar.
-[monk idealist]

all animals – even humans – can be herded. the trick is to make them think they choose their own destination.
-mangara [mtenda herder]

unanswered prayers are themselves answers.
-nantuko teaching [nantuko disciple]

plant a field with wishes, and you will grow more wishes.
-nantuko teaching [nantuko elder]

that which grows without roots cannot be uprooted.
-nantuko teaching [nantuko mentor]

your past is a map to where you will go.
-nantuko teaching [nantuko tracer]

the best cure for a big ego is a little failure.
-[turnabout]

the pattern of life can be studied like a book, if you know how to read it.
-[slate of ancestry]

good strategists seize opportunities. great strategists make their own.
-[shelter]

light creates shadow; light destroys shadow. such is the transience of darkness.
-[shadowbane]

a good memory is no match for a good scribe.
-[scrivener]

my enemy’s hatred is his weakness. my enemy’s anger is my strength.
-remin, venerable monk [reverse damage]

tread upon the meek, and they shall wound your feet and make you crawl
-asmira, holy avenger [retribution of the meek]

its students graduate the school and enter history.
-[minamo, school at water’s edge]

the best leaders are made by their followers.
-[alpha status]

it is dangerous indeed to be lost in someone else’s thoughts.
-[meishin, the mind cage]

true enlightenment comes not with a new thought, but with understanding of the old ones.
-[mnemonic nexus]

madness and genius are separated only by degrees of success.
-[inspiration]

experience is a good teacher, not a kind one.
-[battlewise aven]

what can a peasant get for free that an emperor can never buy?
-dal riddle [peace of mind]

sometimes the greatest strength is the strength of conviction.
-[righteousness]

i don’t need a plan, just a goal. the rest will follow on its own.
-gerrard [temper]

no person was ever honored for what he received. honor has been the reward for what he gave.
-calvin coolidge [warrior’s honor]

trust, the fifth myth of reality: every truth holds the seed of betrayal.
-[mistform mask]

fellowship, the fourth myth of reality: as the tides of war shift, so do loyalties.
-[mistform wall]

conviction, the third myth of reality: only those who seek the truth can be deceived.
-[mistform skyreaver]

devotion, the second myth of reality: the faithful are most hurt by the objects of their faith.
-[mistform dreamer]

familiarity, the first myth of reality: what you know the best, you observe the least.
-[mistform mutant]

the strongest of the pride are measured not by the steel in their hands but by the steel in their souls.
-[leonin battlemage]