part 1
the hot shower this evening was very relaxing. today i am reminded of 1985. i was 5 or 6 back then. we lived in coto, zambales at that time. there was this creek that was transformed into a swimming resort for the mining staff who lived nearby. it was a pleasant private place. 'kids' swimming pool' they call it. it stuck in my memory. the clear waters streamed quietly on the surface. you could even see the rocks at the bottom. don't be fooled, it could drag you downstream if it were not for the dam of rocks ahead.
mama once told me a story of me. she once saw me quietly sitting by the banks of the creek, alone and in deep thought that particular afternoon. that was around dusk. we had just finished swimming that time, and everyone was preparing to leave. she approached me and asked me what was i pondering upon. according to her, i replied, "I want to be like Jesus." and that struck her. i could not even remember saying that, but i could still remember that time clearly in my head. dusk. still waters. the cicadas and crickets. i really liked that moment. it was so peaceful. i still can't remember what i was really thinking.
part 2
probably for about 10 years now, i have been searching the internet for some stuff. most of those stuff i have already found. my latest recovered stuff is this:
"He is lovely"
(there is a longer version of the song in youtube, the quality and lyrics are better, but i like this line-up better)
"i just want to be where you are"
priceless. these are the songs of my heart. i did not include it here but still worth mentioning is the album "we are called". they summarize my soul.
part 3
the past days have been eventful, despite nothing happening on the surface. "take time to realize... that i'm on your side.... if you just realize what i just realized...."
my mood still fluctuates, especially my reasoning. but still things are manageable.
i might understand a little bit how God must have felt of me. i might have been ignoring Him for so long, despite all His efforts to reach out to me. it's not that i have grown cold, but i felt that this was all the love that i could return back to Him, that i have somehow reached my limit.
on the other side of the coin, i might understand a little bit how she probably feels. despite my efforts to reach out to her, maybe it's just not in her. probably she has nothing to realize. sad, but this was all the response she could probably offer me. probably i understand.
and where did this lead me? i have decided to love God more than i do right now. i thought of loving the people i love more than i do right now. i still haven't figured out yet how exactly, but all i know is that this love and desire can only come from God, and not from my own. i will just have to ask from Him. i will have to spend more time with Him. listen more to God. read His Word.
when i have loved God with all of my heart, i could only ask for more heart.
He leads me beside still waters.