it's hard to be mean

sometimes you are reminded of the past that should have been forgotten. it brings back some memories, it brings back some names, it brings back some feelings. and you are faced with clashing emotions now that you have learned to come up with a new perspective as a coping mechanism. you were much different from now. you have succeeded in suppressing the past. almost completely. almost.
i have to be firm. i have to be cold. i am immune [even if i have learned there is no such thing as immunity, only people with high resistance]. and it is difficult. impossible not to be affected. it is like re-opening an old wound. it doesn’t hurt [my ego] anymore.
i don’t have to be angry anymore, i don’t have to be hurt. just plain passive without emotion. apathy. it’s hard work. i wish i didn’t have to do this. but sometimes, you just have to forget. it’s a skill.
victims of fate.
bago lang pinaalala ako ng isang tao na akala ko nakalimutan ko na. gaya ng sabi ko, mixed emotions. umiikot ang looban ng dibdib. nanlalamig. masarap alalahanin, ngunit ang nasa isip — sayang. nasabi ko naman ang dapat kong sabihin, wala na ako magagawa pa doon. kalimutan ko na [ano mang hangarin, maliban siguro sa masayang ala-ala]. bawal kasi yun.
dead end.
minsan, madalas ng mga nakaraang linggo, ibang tao naman na-aalala ko.
ang kaso naman sa kanya, hindi na ako nagsalita. basta na lang ako nawala. siguro nga hindi kasing sakit ang manahimik kesa sa magsalita. mas mabuti nga ang makalimot habang mas maaga. what-ifs? wag nang isipin. wala ka rin magagawa. keep the good memories na lang. sinabi nang bawal.
wag nang tumuloy sa dead end. dead end talaga yun.
nagiging masamang tao tuloy ako nito. tao na walang puso. nangangain ng tao ng buhay. antipatiko.
so what. who cares.
maybe this is my form of vindication. apathy. forgetting. reducing its meaning into nothing. and one day, i’ll be somewhere else. without a trace. and the past will also be somewhere else. also without a trace.
nothing happened.
pwede na matulog.