the end

it was ended before it started. the blue moon.

remember me when it rains. remember me on a blue moon night. your beauty will always be remembered. all the unspoken buried. just between the two of us. nothing happened.

no regrets.

the war wages on

i am at war with myself. and the damages are devastating. reckless, relentless. because i placed myself in chains for my own good. they call it restraint. i call it patience. one side of me would scream out loud out of frustration. while another half could care less. temperance. we do not move.
i wait for nothing. i just wait. this afternoon i thought i saw her just around the corner about to leave with her man. i can’t be sure it was her, i just know it was her. regardless. the emotion brought about by the thought of seeing her with another man broke my heart. because i could not do anything. maybe i was right in my own silence. let her not know i exist, better keep it that way. i alone would suffer. eventually the scars would heal. whereas if i made myself known and the situation turn into a complicated affair only to end up hurting more. just maybe. at these situations, it would be best to leave it at that, despite of my nature of being too much of a risk-taker.
so i said to myself, there is only one thing that would mean a go for me. her faith had to be the same as mine. otherwise, it’s all a waste of time.

nangyari ang inaasahan ngunit

i was hoping to have a chance to be alone with her. the idea i had was a chance at the elevator. every time i entered the elevator i found myself expecting her to enter, just the two of us, together. wala lang*. and i thought to myself what could i possibly say if that moment came? it took a while, i came up with "so hanggang kelan na lang kayo dito?"… followed by "mamimiss kita." afterwards i could not think of anything else to say.
and it happened. i was on the tenth floor, medical tower. i was on my way down when she just arrived. she happened to pass by on her way to MSD office. then i took it as an opportunity. although both elevators were already near my floor, i took my time to wait for her to return. i thought to myself, she must have had an errand and wouldn’t take that much time. i was right. when she came back i was there waiting for the elevator. again. and so i had the time to talk with her for that moment we waited for the doors to open, i had that time to be with her alone as we went down. i had the moment to tell her "hanggang kelan na lang kayo dito?", but i never had the courage to tell her "mamimiss kita."
torpe. ewan. one thing i noticed, or maybe believed i saw, while we were waiting for the doors she stood by me. and for that moment i saw her blush, i could still remember her smile. somehow i was stopping myself from saying the things i wanted to say. because i saw no end to the matter. where would it lead me? was it right to express myself, or was it right to restrain myself? but it was a done deed. i walked beside her up to the lobby where we had to part ways, i felt as if we never wanted to part ways. somehow i was smiling. what i found striking was there was this orderly that commented out of the blue " nakangiti kyo doc lagi" at the time i just parted with her. was it that noticeable?
and the moment was gone. i always make it a point to myself to leave no regrets. and regrets i have none. in due time we shall reap if we faint not.
i will always remember it as a day the moon was full. a blue moon night.

hanggang manhid

ang hirap naman nito. torture. masasanay kaya ako? mawawala rin ito. sana manhid na ako. doon din naman ata papunta to. sanayan lang. hanggang maging bulag sa pag-ibig, hanggang bingi sa tibok ng puso, hanggang sarado na ang bibig ng isipan, hanggang hindi na maramdaman ang lamig, hanggang hindi na gumagalaw. hanggang masanay na. hanggang mawala ang ibig sabihin ng sakit.
automatic, generic.

gifted

jik is a free spirit. his spirit will always be free. will he ever be caught? will it ever end? he grows weary in chains to his freedom. because he can’t move. sometimes the thought enters his mind, what if. if things were different, the circumstances… all he could conclude was that it really did not matter at all. this is where freedom hurts. knowing you can’t use it and keep it at the same time.
wait some more until when? i simply do not move.

siya pa rin

eto ako ngayon. hindi maalis sa isipan kaagad. pero hindi na kasing sakit ng mga unang araw. pakonti konti mawawala rin. masaya din pag nakikita. parang hanggang doon na lang yun. masarap isipin minsan paano kung naging kami. paano kaya kung sya ang lagi kong kasama. ang babaw ko. hanggang doon na lang yun. dahil. basta yun. nasasanay na ako sa ganito, kaya parang manhid na ako. napapabayaan ko na ang sarili ko. masyado bang sakripisyo.
dahil kasi hindi ko alam kung ano ang meron para sa akin bukas. dahil hinihintay ko ung para sa akin bukas. hindi ko rin kasi kayang pilitin na masaya ako ngayon. kung pwede lang nga sana isipin ko na walang sakit. kung pwede lang sana hindi ko siya maisip. kung pwede lang sana hindi nangyari ito. kasi hindi ko pa alam ang mga dahilan. parang nakakasawa na rin kasi alamin ang dahilan.
naghihintay ako, hindi ko lang alam kung ano. hindi ako nagrereklamo. hindi rin ako excited kung ano yun. nagpapalipas na lang ng oras. wala lang.

jik's theory

are you ready? imagine, life is scripted. this is the part where you face the computer browsing through these paragraphs while your mind waits for a word to catch your attention, not just a word, a phrase, more than a phrase, a sentence. no, an idea. jik’s idea. suddenly you become the topic of this paragraph, this article. this is about you. you and this very moment. you have a vague idea where this article is leading to. then you are made to realize this article was trying to predict the whole situation, the situation you are currently in. you have become a little cautious as your mind begins to subconsiously play around with the situation which you think was trying to frame you into role you never intentionally wanted to be a part of. and so this article warns you this is not about the accuracy of the prevailing circumstances of this moment, but the essence of you playing a given role. for a moment a question mark almost appeared above your head. jik’s theory simply applied on you, you became a part of the article, even before you read the article. it began the moment i conceived the idea. this moment simply materialized. your free will had nothing to do with it, you never lost it at any time. but for that moment, you played a character of the story. yes, a senseless story. your role was to read this article, and you just played it perfectly. end of story.

CREDITS:
jik - the author of the story theory
you - the reader in the story theory
life is a story, known as history. God is the Author, and the main character of the story. –jik’s theory

the unexplainable explained

for beginners. and those who got used being beginners. in simple terms, strange. you kept on reading trying to get the gist of what i was trying to say. in reality there was none. in reality this was who i am at the moment. because i too was trying to grasp from within me any substance that i may find. stimulate my mind. i want to eat you. whole. alive. sarap.
in an expression of anger frustration for being nowhere in time or in place lost in a minimalistic point of view basically, all i can do is give a big sigh. SIIIGHH.hh.
empty. and yet still happy content.
i am happy content for reasons i need not say anymore.
i am frustrated for the very reason i dont know why i am.
maybe because i dont look forward to anything at the moment. yes. if ever there were it would be the moment of meeting her. whoever she is.

i am mastering isolation, when i am no longer moved by reason but by faith and the hands of fate. and to understand nothing is in my power.

playing around with words; more than words, ideas; more than ideas, dreams; more than dreams, reality; because there was nothing to start with anyway.

para sayo kung mabasa mo...

pula. para sa puso. nawala yung una kong natype. nagkamali ako ng napindot. ulitin ko nanaman ang sinulat ko. haay. baka tanungin mo bakit ko pa sinulat ito. kasi alam ko hindi mo rin naman mababasa. at syempre, para naman sa akin toh.
ang sabi ko, nahulog ang loob ko para sayo. masakit, para akong nadapa. pero okay lang. hindi okay pala. pangalawa ka na nakasira ng aking sleep-cycle. at least, masmabilis ang recovery time ko ngayon.
torpe daw ako. ang dami kong rason. sa mga hindi pa nakakaalam tanongin nyo na lang ako kung ano ang mga yun. bigyan kita ng isang magandang rason. may boyfriend ka na eh. masmaganda pa yung iba kong rason pero hindi mo naman maiintindihan yun.
gusto ko lang ma-express ang sarili ko; sa sarili ko. samantala, ako ay naka kadena at hindi pwedeng i-express lahat. bawal. haay. gaya ng pagbanggit ng iyong pangalan na walang pahintulot mo. as if. joke lang, bat ko naman sasabihin sino ka, alam mo naman kung sino ka. ay, hindi mo naman pala mababasa to. mabuti.
nakakatuwa na ako, ngayon pa lang. lalo na pag nabasa ko ito next time! ayos. may mababasa na ako.

"you are beautiful. you simply got me captivated. but my hands are tied, my lips are sealed and my eyes closed. yet you can see through me. or so i felt. all i could do is wait for this moment to end."

wake me up.

isa akong isla

ayaw ko pa rin magsalita. pero eto pa rin ako. isa akong isla. no man is an island daw. pero bakit ako. okay naman, so far. hindi ko naman tinatalikuran ang mga nagmamahal sa akin. mahal ko pa rin ang mga mahal ko sa buhay. masarap lang isipin ako ay nasa isang beach, mag-isa. sa oras ng tanghaling tapat. sa oras ng pag lubog ng araw. sa oras na bilog ang buwan. as sa mga gabing wala ni isang ilaw.

"it’s not that i embraced solitude; but that solitude embraced me. not that loneliness understood me; but that i understood loneliness. i was alone but never lonely. almost."

konti pa. kaya ko pa. ayos lang, masmalalim na ang pagunawa ko sa maraming bagay. masmatagal na ang aking pasensiya. pero kulang pa. kaya eto, naghihintay pa rin ako. kung ano yun, hindi ko pa rin alam talaga. basta meron yun. siguro.

wala

wala pa rin. minsan, mahirap na ang magsalita. baka kung ano pa ang masabi, baka ano pa ang mangyari. pero sige, subukan ko kahit konti lang. kahit na alam ko na walang makaka-intindi. kung meron man, wala rin silang magagawa. mahirap isipin pero tao din ako. na iinlab din. oo. tama na ang kanchaw. nainlab ako kay… hay, kay sakit na isipin. kasi ang totoo ayaw ko na ma inlab sa isang tao na alam ko masasaktan ko lang. dahil alam ko wala rin ito patutunguhan. so ngayon, hinihintay ko na lang mamatay ako sa sakit, at tuluyang malimutan ang kanyang mukha. nakakainis. nangyari ulit ang nangyari sa akin noon. akala ko di na mauulit. ngayon alam ko na. nakakadepress. tawa ka lang. tama nga ang sabi nila, ASA.