leaped or leapt, just the same. it's a special anime movie about a girl's dilemma about love. it's interesting how people don't really know what they want until they lose their chance of choosing. when she found out a friend had feelings for her, she tried so hard to avoid him. but truth is unavoidable, and there is nothing she could do to change the way he felt for her. just when she was about ready to accept the truth, the boy had already clammed up. time is up. maybe that's how she really wanted it in the first place.
you can never entrust time and chance to a girl.
another round
today is a sunday, another day of testing. let's see how much i can take. another week.
it takes time to harden the heart. it takes time to numb the senses. it takes time to forget. it takes time to let go.
meanwhile i have to keep a straight face. i have to hide my true feelings. i have to deny myself.
i'm happy for you. i will be happy for you.
it takes time to harden the heart. it takes time to numb the senses. it takes time to forget. it takes time to let go.
meanwhile i have to keep a straight face. i have to hide my true feelings. i have to deny myself.
i'm happy for you. i will be happy for you.
hush shush
"relax, kid."
(calm down). that's what the hero of my stories used to say. it's his signature line. whenever he was on the brink of bursting mad at someone, it was a form of venting out his insult. try imagining yourself being called a "kid". it makes you immature. in a way, being called a kid is cool, depending on the situation. it is a sentence with a lot of meaning. the hero also used to say it to calm his own nerves, referring to himself as the kid. nothing is too serious.
"all you're left with in the end are your memories."
burn notice. indeed, man is a memory. history is a memory.
i realized i was the introvert. i was the anti-social. i was the one within walls. i was the difficult person to reach.
(calm down). that's what the hero of my stories used to say. it's his signature line. whenever he was on the brink of bursting mad at someone, it was a form of venting out his insult. try imagining yourself being called a "kid". it makes you immature. in a way, being called a kid is cool, depending on the situation. it is a sentence with a lot of meaning. the hero also used to say it to calm his own nerves, referring to himself as the kid. nothing is too serious.
"all you're left with in the end are your memories."
burn notice. indeed, man is a memory. history is a memory.
i realized i was the introvert. i was the anti-social. i was the one within walls. i was the difficult person to reach.
almost sleepy
this is the best time to write, when things are not going so well for me. inside me is a sea in turmoil, except try imagining it in the middle of a dark night without a single light.
outside of me you can notice how empty my eyes are if you really pay attention. probably it's my discontentment for reality. it's just vanity after all. everything has the same worth.
there are no exceptions. i want to escape from it all. there is a way. i don't want to be another jonah. where's my big fish?
maybe if i try harder i will forget bridges exist. and if i forget, the feeling goes with it. i won't have to keep turning my head to every direction. maybe i could smile wider and laugh my heart out.
i am not immortal. i am invincible. nothing can hurt me. it's a grand illusion of a special ability. i am an army of one. they keep firing at me. i keep charging at them with a sword. one by one their luck ran out. i was not too ecstatic. it's just another predictable day.
i keep blocking my thoughts. some thoughts fade slower. silly me.
outside of me you can notice how empty my eyes are if you really pay attention. probably it's my discontentment for reality. it's just vanity after all. everything has the same worth.
there are no exceptions. i want to escape from it all. there is a way. i don't want to be another jonah. where's my big fish?
maybe if i try harder i will forget bridges exist. and if i forget, the feeling goes with it. i won't have to keep turning my head to every direction. maybe i could smile wider and laugh my heart out.
i am not immortal. i am invincible. nothing can hurt me. it's a grand illusion of a special ability. i am an army of one. they keep firing at me. i keep charging at them with a sword. one by one their luck ran out. i was not too ecstatic. it's just another predictable day.
i keep blocking my thoughts. some thoughts fade slower. silly me.
i'm a walking contradiction
one of those times doing nothing i decided clearing my computer files. and i came across this song. it's not so much about the lyrics, but the mood that i could relate to.
my november
this is my november. my era begins. cold november.
ooo
i will be your armor
i will be your shield
i will be your freedom
i will be your wings
i will be your power
i will be your heart.
ooo
it feels like for centuries i have been fighting this feeling. i have always been winning. it feels like an empty victory after all.
ooo
i am very much disappointed with a lot of things. last year was disappointing. this is year is very much disappointing so far. she is very disappointing. i am a big disappointment. thirty years is a disappointment. my work is disappointing. my business is becoming a disappointment. my dreams look disappointing. but i tell myself it's how i deal with disappointment that is more important.
ooo
i watched the social network on my own today. and i reflected on my similar situation. here i was with a dream worth billions. it feels like i'm the only one who knows and believes this. i need someone to guide me. i asked myself what do i really need right now. capital.
ooo
i will be your armor
i will be your shield
i will be your freedom
i will be your wings
i will be your power
i will be your heart.
ooo
it feels like for centuries i have been fighting this feeling. i have always been winning. it feels like an empty victory after all.
ooo
i am very much disappointed with a lot of things. last year was disappointing. this is year is very much disappointing so far. she is very disappointing. i am a big disappointment. thirty years is a disappointment. my work is disappointing. my business is becoming a disappointment. my dreams look disappointing. but i tell myself it's how i deal with disappointment that is more important.
ooo
i watched the social network on my own today. and i reflected on my similar situation. here i was with a dream worth billions. it feels like i'm the only one who knows and believes this. i need someone to guide me. i asked myself what do i really need right now. capital.
it's so tiring
this memory is becoming more and more a curse that keeps on haunting me. i feel helplessly depressed knowing there is nothing i can do about it. only time heals. if only i could keep blocking my thoughts. i can only wish it's december already, december, 2012.
from my perspective of my life's story, it's getting to be a boring segment. too much uncertainty and too little to expect. meanwhile....
from my perspective of my life's story, it's getting to be a boring segment. too much uncertainty and too little to expect. meanwhile....
answers
the problem is, the answers are with her. the answers are with God. the answers are in the future.
on reliance, you cannot just rely on anybody. you just can't rely on friends. but that does not mean they are not dependable. they will uphold you in the right time, just don't rely on it.
on reliance, you cannot just rely on anybody. you just can't rely on friends. but that does not mean they are not dependable. they will uphold you in the right time, just don't rely on it.
vanity of life
finding comfort in my own words.
from the downfall of man. man is cursed for he does not know that he is.... it was foolish of him to think, because time erases the memory of his days.
i cannot hate what i love. i cannot love what i hate. it made me think for a second, what do i hate? the first thing that comes to mind: i hate this feeling.
i am transcending. all is vanity. what we consider valuable means nothing at all. memory, the most important thing i possess. without it, i cease to exist. more valuable than life itself. what is man but a memory?
trudge on. maybe it's time burn bridges once again. time to move forward, never look back. but even if i close my eyes shut, the memory keeps replaying. numbing.
it's not the pain. it's the fatigue. tired of waiting. for nothing. usually something eventually happens.
from the downfall of man. man is cursed for he does not know that he is.... it was foolish of him to think, because time erases the memory of his days.
i cannot hate what i love. i cannot love what i hate. it made me think for a second, what do i hate? the first thing that comes to mind: i hate this feeling.
i am transcending. all is vanity. what we consider valuable means nothing at all. memory, the most important thing i possess. without it, i cease to exist. more valuable than life itself. what is man but a memory?
trudge on. maybe it's time burn bridges once again. time to move forward, never look back. but even if i close my eyes shut, the memory keeps replaying. numbing.
it's not the pain. it's the fatigue. tired of waiting. for nothing. usually something eventually happens.
down to the last stretch, the last straw
just a simple journal entry. about a month ago, the plan was set. there were three objectives: 1. pass the boards 2. establish a relationship 3. start the website successfully. the deadline, before i leave 30.
so far, that's two strikes for me. still manageable, all things considered. failing the boards, although quite a heavy loss, is still recoverable next year. anyway, the profession is the backup plan, and has been working as intended. you should never really perfect the backup to the point of losing sight of the main objective.
the relationship could not exist at the moment. maybe i just haven't found the right one yet. not that i did not try, but i can only go as far as meeting her halfway, or probably i could go 99%. it won't mean a thing if she does not respond. having done my part, it just did not work out. it's a learning experience. calculated failure as well.
now i can fully focus on what i truly think i am designed for. the business. the website is the key for the succeeding years. gradually, the parts are put into place. so far so good. before the year ends a more accurate prognosis could be given. the gears are already turning, we just don't know how far it would go.
everything's going according to plan. some outcomes or maybe all might not be favorable, but the options have already been considered. we know our strengths and weaknesses so far. the backup is still working. the last thing we need is a monkey wrench.
so far, that's two strikes for me. still manageable, all things considered. failing the boards, although quite a heavy loss, is still recoverable next year. anyway, the profession is the backup plan, and has been working as intended. you should never really perfect the backup to the point of losing sight of the main objective.
the relationship could not exist at the moment. maybe i just haven't found the right one yet. not that i did not try, but i can only go as far as meeting her halfway, or probably i could go 99%. it won't mean a thing if she does not respond. having done my part, it just did not work out. it's a learning experience. calculated failure as well.
now i can fully focus on what i truly think i am designed for. the business. the website is the key for the succeeding years. gradually, the parts are put into place. so far so good. before the year ends a more accurate prognosis could be given. the gears are already turning, we just don't know how far it would go.
everything's going according to plan. some outcomes or maybe all might not be favorable, but the options have already been considered. we know our strengths and weaknesses so far. the backup is still working. the last thing we need is a monkey wrench.
somewhere only we know
inside my mind is a certain place where nobody knows, a memory of a place turned into a dream where i can run to whenever i feel sad or for a need just to be alone with you for a moment for some peace.
dark side of the lens
i could only imagine something i could not experience for my own, the other side of the world. sometimes, i feel the sea calling out for me.
red october
why do i get the feeling this will be a bloody month. i wonder how my exam turns out. i wonder how meeting fate again turns out. i wonder how my project will turn out. i wonder.
i guess it's time for me to wake up. separate dream from reality. time for battle. time to die.
jam
it's the last day of september. once again. i remember my sister. she knew me more than anyone else. somehow she always figured out what was on my mind. now that she's gone, no one else can read my mind.
it's not really the sadness of missing her. i'm happy for her knowing where she is right now. it is the feeling of being left alone.
i wasn't there for her the day that she died. i was supposed to go and see her earlier. but after my class that afternoon i took the time and went to a computer shop with a friend. there was no use escaping. i could not even remember the bus trip.
when i arrived she was already dead. until now, i refuse to admit i was too late. i really did not wish to see her dying. i did not even know she was going to die that day. sometimes people won't understand if i did not feel like saying goodbye to her.
i miss her so much. she knew how much i loved her even if i did not show up for her final moments. although it would have been nice if i were there, i know she was thinking of someone else at that time.
we think the same way. see you later, sis! it was more of a sigh of relief on her part. good for her. it really wasn't a sad ending for her. it was a lonely time for me. my younger twin, jam.
i remember once, we were laughing hard at each other's face. we were staring at each other's up-side-down face as we were lying down. we simply understood each other, even if we did not talk much. another time, we made a prank call to one of my crushes. haha! nice jam!
when she was in pain, there was nothing i could do. sometimes, there's nothing much you could really do. and so i have learned to accept a lot of things for what they are. i miss you, but i'm also happy for you!
it's not really the sadness of missing her. i'm happy for her knowing where she is right now. it is the feeling of being left alone.
i wasn't there for her the day that she died. i was supposed to go and see her earlier. but after my class that afternoon i took the time and went to a computer shop with a friend. there was no use escaping. i could not even remember the bus trip.
when i arrived she was already dead. until now, i refuse to admit i was too late. i really did not wish to see her dying. i did not even know she was going to die that day. sometimes people won't understand if i did not feel like saying goodbye to her.
i miss her so much. she knew how much i loved her even if i did not show up for her final moments. although it would have been nice if i were there, i know she was thinking of someone else at that time.
we think the same way. see you later, sis! it was more of a sigh of relief on her part. good for her. it really wasn't a sad ending for her. it was a lonely time for me. my younger twin, jam.
i remember once, we were laughing hard at each other's face. we were staring at each other's up-side-down face as we were lying down. we simply understood each other, even if we did not talk much. another time, we made a prank call to one of my crushes. haha! nice jam!
when she was in pain, there was nothing i could do. sometimes, there's nothing much you could really do. and so i have learned to accept a lot of things for what they are. i miss you, but i'm also happy for you!
i've waited here for you
everlong. swiss-cheese. last man standing. one-man army. cold. numb. the irony.
hack n' slash
the moon moves too slow. sometimes i think it stops moving. or is it just my mind moving too fast?
silent waters run deep
part 1
the hot shower this evening was very relaxing. today i am reminded of 1985. i was 5 or 6 back then. we lived in coto, zambales at that time. there was this creek that was transformed into a swimming resort for the mining staff who lived nearby. it was a pleasant private place. 'kids' swimming pool' they call it. it stuck in my memory. the clear waters streamed quietly on the surface. you could even see the rocks at the bottom. don't be fooled, it could drag you downstream if it were not for the dam of rocks ahead.
mama once told me a story of me. she once saw me quietly sitting by the banks of the creek, alone and in deep thought that particular afternoon. that was around dusk. we had just finished swimming that time, and everyone was preparing to leave. she approached me and asked me what was i pondering upon. according to her, i replied, "I want to be like Jesus." and that struck her. i could not even remember saying that, but i could still remember that time clearly in my head. dusk. still waters. the cicadas and crickets. i really liked that moment. it was so peaceful. i still can't remember what i was really thinking.
part 2
probably for about 10 years now, i have been searching the internet for some stuff. most of those stuff i have already found. my latest recovered stuff is this:
"He is lovely"
(there is a longer version of the song in youtube, the quality and lyrics are better, but i like this line-up better)
"i just want to be where you are"
priceless. these are the songs of my heart. i did not include it here but still worth mentioning is the album "we are called". they summarize my soul.
part 3
the past days have been eventful, despite nothing happening on the surface. "take time to realize... that i'm on your side.... if you just realize what i just realized...."
my mood still fluctuates, especially my reasoning. but still things are manageable.
i might understand a little bit how God must have felt of me. i might have been ignoring Him for so long, despite all His efforts to reach out to me. it's not that i have grown cold, but i felt that this was all the love that i could return back to Him, that i have somehow reached my limit.
on the other side of the coin, i might understand a little bit how she probably feels. despite my efforts to reach out to her, maybe it's just not in her. probably she has nothing to realize. sad, but this was all the response she could probably offer me. probably i understand.
and where did this lead me? i have decided to love God more than i do right now. i thought of loving the people i love more than i do right now. i still haven't figured out yet how exactly, but all i know is that this love and desire can only come from God, and not from my own. i will just have to ask from Him. i will have to spend more time with Him. listen more to God. read His Word.
when i have loved God with all of my heart, i could only ask for more heart.
He leads me beside still waters.
the hot shower this evening was very relaxing. today i am reminded of 1985. i was 5 or 6 back then. we lived in coto, zambales at that time. there was this creek that was transformed into a swimming resort for the mining staff who lived nearby. it was a pleasant private place. 'kids' swimming pool' they call it. it stuck in my memory. the clear waters streamed quietly on the surface. you could even see the rocks at the bottom. don't be fooled, it could drag you downstream if it were not for the dam of rocks ahead.
mama once told me a story of me. she once saw me quietly sitting by the banks of the creek, alone and in deep thought that particular afternoon. that was around dusk. we had just finished swimming that time, and everyone was preparing to leave. she approached me and asked me what was i pondering upon. according to her, i replied, "I want to be like Jesus." and that struck her. i could not even remember saying that, but i could still remember that time clearly in my head. dusk. still waters. the cicadas and crickets. i really liked that moment. it was so peaceful. i still can't remember what i was really thinking.
part 2
probably for about 10 years now, i have been searching the internet for some stuff. most of those stuff i have already found. my latest recovered stuff is this:
"He is lovely"
(there is a longer version of the song in youtube, the quality and lyrics are better, but i like this line-up better)
"i just want to be where you are"
priceless. these are the songs of my heart. i did not include it here but still worth mentioning is the album "we are called". they summarize my soul.
part 3
the past days have been eventful, despite nothing happening on the surface. "take time to realize... that i'm on your side.... if you just realize what i just realized...."
my mood still fluctuates, especially my reasoning. but still things are manageable.
i might understand a little bit how God must have felt of me. i might have been ignoring Him for so long, despite all His efforts to reach out to me. it's not that i have grown cold, but i felt that this was all the love that i could return back to Him, that i have somehow reached my limit.
on the other side of the coin, i might understand a little bit how she probably feels. despite my efforts to reach out to her, maybe it's just not in her. probably she has nothing to realize. sad, but this was all the response she could probably offer me. probably i understand.
and where did this lead me? i have decided to love God more than i do right now. i thought of loving the people i love more than i do right now. i still haven't figured out yet how exactly, but all i know is that this love and desire can only come from God, and not from my own. i will just have to ask from Him. i will have to spend more time with Him. listen more to God. read His Word.
when i have loved God with all of my heart, i could only ask for more heart.
He leads me beside still waters.
busted!
grabe hindi ako makareview ng matino. at kinailangan pa talaga i-sulat!
hindi ko rin maintindihan pero siguro talagang ganun. napaka ko kasi. hindi sya natuwa sa akin. yun lang yun. for whatever reason, na-intimidate, na-asar, na-ilang, na-hiya, na-weirdohan, na-creep out, na-kulitan... basta. whatever. hindi nakakatuwa, yun lang yun.
nagkamali ba ako? before i made this decision i knew i might fail. high rejection rate. and i failed. buti nalang medyo prepared ako. masakit pa rin ng konti. minsan, kelangan din maranasan masaktan. minsanan lang pls.
makapag review na nga.
hindi ko rin maintindihan pero siguro talagang ganun. napaka ko kasi. hindi sya natuwa sa akin. yun lang yun. for whatever reason, na-intimidate, na-asar, na-ilang, na-hiya, na-weirdohan, na-creep out, na-kulitan... basta. whatever. hindi nakakatuwa, yun lang yun.
nagkamali ba ako? before i made this decision i knew i might fail. high rejection rate. and i failed. buti nalang medyo prepared ako. masakit pa rin ng konti. minsan, kelangan din maranasan masaktan. minsanan lang pls.
makapag review na nga.
vengeance
i have returned.
so i did a little housecleaning so to speak, clearing the list of friends i did not even know i had. and some for reasons unexplained. it feels good to look back at what i’ve done… “i’ll face myself to cross out what i’ve become, erase myself and let go of what i’ve done”…. linkin park. so i thought of inserting the lyrics that suddenly came to mind, and while i was looking it up on the net, look what i found. priceless. better than linkin in another way, sung in sadness from a beautiful marie digby, not in rebellious anger. see for yourself:i have been gone for a long while, for reasons of privacy and reasons of limbo and lack of inspiration. i wasn’t entirely out of commission. i was in another “dimension”. nenjyx.
it is almost time. for greatness.