jam

it's the last day of september. once again. i remember my sister. she knew me more than anyone else. somehow she always figured out what was on my mind. now that she's gone, no one else can read my mind.

it's not really the sadness of missing her. i'm happy for her knowing where she is right now. it is the feeling of being left alone.

i wasn't there for her the day that she died. i was supposed to go and see her earlier. but after my class that afternoon i took the time and went to a computer shop with a friend. there was no use escaping. i could not even remember the bus trip.

when i arrived she was already dead. until now, i refuse to admit i was too late. i really did not wish to see her dying. i did not even know she was going to die that day. sometimes people won't understand if i did not feel like saying goodbye to her.

i miss her so much. she knew how much i loved her even if i did not show up for her final moments. although it would have been nice if i were there, i know she was thinking of someone else at that time.

we think the same way. see you later, sis! it was more of a sigh of relief on her part. good for her. it really wasn't a sad ending for her. it was a lonely time for me. my younger twin, jam.

i remember once, we were laughing hard at each other's face. we were staring at each other's up-side-down face as we were lying down. we simply understood each other, even if we did not talk much. another time, we made a prank call to one of my crushes. haha! nice jam!

when she was in pain, there was nothing i could do. sometimes, there's nothing much you could really do. and so i have learned to accept a lot of things for what they are. i miss you, but i'm also happy for you!

i've waited here for you

everlong. swiss-cheese. last man standing. one-man army. cold. numb. the irony.

hack n' slash

before anything else, on the way home i was moonstruck. the gibbous moon above the horizon in an almost empty night sky is nothing new. and so the feeling is also not new. it is still the same old feeling of staring at the moon. still shooting at the moon.

the moon moves too slow. sometimes i think it stops moving. or is it just my mind moving too fast?

this war i am fighting rages on. i have no feeling of quitting. but this hacking and slashing through the endless hordes in this battlefield of life is becoming too slow. it's like i have been doing this for a thousand years without a break. they keep coming, one after the other. i keep hacking and slashing. and did i mention, they keep coming and coming. i don't really feel tired of hacking and slashing. i feel bored of the monotony. sometimes, it feels like things become so routine that everything moves in slow-motion. during these slow-motion times you get to think of a lot of things. and you keep on thinking of a lot of different things. all these are while you wait for your blade to cut through the horde. you could even see and ponder upon each sweat dripping slowly to the ground. you even have all the time to feel sad for each drop of blood and recover from the reality of pain. and you keep on thinking a lot. you have so much time to think, you have already seen almost all the scenarios. they keep coming and coming. you keep hacking and slashing. it becomes like cutting down grass. endless sea of grass. at first, you feel so pumped up like it's your first time conquering hordes. in the long run, it seems silly screaming your heart out cutting down grass. your mind wanders off. you ask yourself, why were you doing this in the first place. don't ask. just hack and slash your way through. the moment you stop is the moment they will overwhelm you.

silent waters run deep

part 1

the hot shower this evening was very relaxing. today i am reminded of 1985. i was 5 or 6 back then. we lived in coto, zambales at that time. there was this creek that was transformed into a swimming resort for the mining staff who lived nearby. it was a pleasant private place. 'kids' swimming pool' they call it. it stuck in my memory. the clear waters streamed quietly on the surface. you could even see the rocks at the bottom. don't be fooled, it could drag you downstream if it were not for the dam of rocks ahead.

mama once told me a story of me. she once saw me quietly sitting by the banks of the creek, alone and in deep thought that particular afternoon. that was around dusk. we had just finished swimming that time, and everyone was preparing to leave. she approached me and asked me what was i pondering upon. according to her, i replied, "I want to be like Jesus." and that struck her. i could not even remember saying that, but i could still remember that time clearly in my head. dusk. still waters. the cicadas and crickets. i really liked that moment. it was so peaceful. i still can't remember what i was really thinking.

part 2

probably for about 10 years now, i have been searching the internet for some stuff. most of those stuff i have already found. my latest recovered stuff is this:

"He is lovely"

(there is a longer version of the song in youtube, the quality and lyrics are better, but i like this line-up better)

"i just want to be where you are"


priceless. these are the songs of my heart. i did not include it here but still worth mentioning is the album "we are called". they summarize my soul.

part 3

the past days have been eventful, despite nothing happening on the surface. "take time to realize... that i'm on your side.... if you just realize what i just realized...."

my mood still fluctuates, especially my reasoning. but still things are manageable.

i might understand a little bit how God must have felt of me. i might have been ignoring Him for so long, despite all His efforts to reach out to me. it's not that i have grown cold, but i felt that this was all the love that i could return back to Him, that i have somehow reached my limit.

on the other side of the coin, i might understand a little bit how she probably feels. despite my efforts to reach out to her, maybe it's just not in her. probably she has nothing to realize. sad, but this was all the response she could probably offer me. probably i understand.

and where did this lead me? i have decided to love God more than i do right now. i thought of loving the people i love more than i do right now. i still haven't figured out yet how exactly, but all i know is that this love and desire can only come from God, and not from my own. i will just have to ask from Him. i will have to spend more time with Him. listen more to God. read His Word.

when i have loved God with all of my heart, i could only ask for more heart.

He leads me beside still waters.

all the words i wanted to say

if only you would realize....

the sacrifice is never knowing why

sacrifice. the greatest virtue.

busted!

grabe hindi ako makareview ng matino. at kinailangan pa talaga i-sulat!

hindi ko rin maintindihan pero siguro talagang ganun. napaka ko kasi. hindi sya natuwa sa akin. yun lang yun. for whatever reason, na-intimidate, na-asar, na-ilang, na-hiya, na-weirdohan, na-creep out, na-kulitan... basta. whatever. hindi nakakatuwa, yun lang yun.

nagkamali ba ako? before i made this decision i knew i might fail. high rejection rate. and i failed. buti nalang medyo prepared ako. masakit pa rin ng konti. minsan, kelangan din maranasan masaktan. minsanan lang pls.

makapag review na nga.