i'm alive

after ages of slumber. naisip ko i-publish na lang ung mga remnants ng notes ko since college. sorry sa spam. hindi ako yun. si friendster yun.
part 1 pa lang ito, 1 book of many. kung pede nga lang isama ko pati illustrations. pede. kahit pangit. pero cool.
inactivate ko na rin ung archives. pwede nang ma-access. ulit. syempre, ako ang a-access. unless gusto nyo rin.
in short, luma na ang mga ito. 3 to 4 years ago pa. ata.
for the benefit of archiving. presenting, SPAM.

between the lines

armor-piercing one-shot kills
(she) got me wounded on the ground
inch-thick steel plates couldn’t hold
full-metal jacket slugs.
from her window she saw my soul
caught my crosshairs aimed at her. 

encounters happened in a flash
seconds passing in long hours
you could even feel and see
the shutter’s speed of well-aimed eyes. 

i would bleed for hours to death
believing that i never missed
she also got what she deserved. 

every instance seeing you
ignites feelings deep within
lead me closer to my fate
even if it means my fall
even if its all too late
never doubt my heart for you.

2002 or 3.

the butterfly

butterflies that flutter by
give meaning to an empty sky
let the breeze among the trees
draw their wings in days like this.

 

an open hand i offered you
and graciously you closely flew
in grand display your colors shone
i held you dearly as my own.

 

the sunlight’s touch was such a sight
but soon would be the fall of night
my butterfly soon went away
into my garden there to stay.

the unrelated life theory thread

life encompasses all. truth goes beyond. life is composed of theories; theories are composed of perceptions; perceptions are based on reality, an experience of reality. the classification of life… the classification of theories.the life theory.

there is no single satisfactory classification of life. it is a goal for me to create one system of classification for the purpose of presenting my theories in life, from the practical to the philosophical, the grave to the outrageous. 

a theory is nothing more than an idea. herein they lie. 

001… the classification will come later 

[TOINK!]

001. a person is to a nation, as character is to… culture. 

[huh?]

002. no one is rich without the expense of another. 

003. men are not easily open of their problems as women are; believing (that) the amount of beatings they take and what it makes of them is a measure of their character’s strength. unfortunately, a great deal could not absorb much of the beatings and (eventually) succumb! 

004. (generally) gender inequality exists as a part of nature. men are better some areas as women are in some areas. there are things men can’t do that women can do and vice versa. 

005. every generation has a hero, but not all come to fulfillment.

006. 99% of earth’s population live and die without a trace. in a hundred years, what works remain?

oooo

classification of life:
material and nonmaterial?
idealogy theoretical experiential perceptual
the living and the non-living
the sciences and the non-science
what the eyes see, the ears hear, the mind thinks
input/output
input types: sensory perception, experience
output types: opinion

input > integration > interpretation > output
components: variables, time and space

why classify? to organize knowledge
but there is overlapping of knowledge, one thing will have many classifications

time factor: when?
-the past
-the present
-the future
-anytime!
-all the time

space:
-material
-non-material
–pertains….

*TROLL

oooo 

the significance of a life theory: the classification of life is the key to intelligence. with the advent of the internet, the so-called information highway, knowledge is made easily available. the problem faced is the locating of that particular knowledge. there is too much information to shuffle through in order to find what one needs.  current methods involve words, not so much as to the idea behind the word. in a more practical sense, what you search for is a group of words not a particular idea. this is where the life theory comes in. we are faced with a virtual system of classification that organizes ideas, which i call theories, simply, these are topics in life. we search for particular topics.

oooo

007. never let the sun go down…. 

008. hmmph… naiinis ako, dahil ang buhay na ito ay puno ng taong inis sa buhay! 

009. bakit ganon? isang kuwadernong puno ng sawi sa buhay at mga taong walang malay? 

010. my pen is my sword, withdrawn from its sheath aimed at your heart, ahh yes, your heart. but i won’t kill you, don’t think i can’t, i would if i will, i just won’t kill you… for now. besides, it is foreshadowed, you’ll die of other causes, be it by my own blade or the hand of another. enough!

011. i hid beneath the shadows of my blanket in fear of the mosquito’s bite. haha! you can’t touch me, i’ve won as you will shortly starve to death. but wait, the temperature’s rising, the oxygen is falling (dropping) and the morning is soon to rise. i’m losing sleep! quality time should have been spent dreaming, yet i ended up worrying of the enemy. something has to give. it’s getting harder to breathe…. puff, puff… a little more time… waaah! covers down, fresh air (in), at last! freedom! the moment was short-lived, for a minute or two, the distinct hum from a distant space was back again to add more damage. think. tactics. strategy. outsmart. the bait was set in strategic fashion, my arm outstretch beyond the sheets as i lay wait in stillness. steady, steady now…. BAM!!! as swift as the blinking of an eye, the event took place. blood gushed from the poor insect’s shell. i brushed aside the carcass, and went soundly back to sleep. 

012. i want to eat you whole, alive! bring vigor to my hide. and when the right time will arrive, send fullness deep inside. 

013. she has learned to hate whom she once loved. could it be said that she never loved at all? or am i led to believe that love and hate can co-exist. 

014. one fine day. one fine day, the skies turned gray, i woke up late, my watch showed eight, eight, eight! we had a quiz, at saint louis, but as i’ve said, i was in bed, bed, bed. i went outside to seek (catch) a ride. i had to run ‘coz there was none, none, none. (they were all gone!)

015. unfinished business…. 

016. buried sins sprout trees. 

017. just compensation theory

vital components of the equation: time, effort, efficiency, resource, risk, input
compensation as output

justice.
not to be equated wit equality. 

postulate: not all men are created equal.
#2: all men deserve justice

corollary: all men will get justice. 

justice: founded upon the laws of thermodynamics, for every action, is an equal and opposite reaction. 

*the current economic illness is due to a violation of the above theory. poverty is only part and parcel of the social problem. (part of the equation). 

time: more time invested, the more compensation
effort: greater effort, greater compensation
greater resource input, greater compensation
greater risk, greater compensation (?) 

education enters the scene. it represents knowledge, information. it is a status symbol. could it be said therefore that knowledge is to be considered a factor for the just compensation theory? are status symbols to be a part of the equation? 

contention: not because one graduates he/she is educated. he/she never had the knowledge, only the status symbol of having it. one’s status symbol should never be taken into consideration but they always are. they are a part of man’s subjective opinion of one another, and plays a vital role to the system’s compensation plan. prejudice
is a form of injustice. (?) not all. (?) favoritism. (?) not all. (?)

-end of [nonsense] message.

my theory on magnetism, gravity and electricity

-by me, jik!

magnetism is a form of energy, potential energy.
it is somehow related to electricity.
somehow i am led to believe it is electricity in stored form. 

based on the theory above, it is possible to unleash this stored potential energy.
likewise, it is possible to store energy in the form of magnetism. 

part II

i can’t figure out the relationship between an iron magnet and earth’s gravitational magnet.
gravity and magnetism may be of similar forces but are of different principles.
anti-magnetism, a concept which could be understood does not have a similar application to an anti-gravity.

part III

gravity is a pull. could it be a push? it utilizes energy. it would take energy to counter gravity. current means involve active physical force by means of propulsion or by passive force by means of density gradients.

could gravity be explained by density gradients? (heavier) more dense objects tend to concentrate centripetally while (lighter) less dense objects tend to be displaced at the periphery.

part IV

how then could a compass be explained?
is there a relationship between magnetism and gravity?

as taken from the amazing blue book(s)

out of the blue thoughts

eto… halo halo. ang hirap kasi i-classify. galing sa magaling na unang blue book. for the record.

oooo

all scripture inspired by God is…
all scripture is inspired by God. it is the AUTHORITY
the bible is offensive, it will offend you.
the moment the bible loses its supremacy and validity, it becomes merely a book of christians and not God’s word. the words of men never transform the inner person. they may inspire, they may encourage, but cannot change the character of man. it is only the word of God.

oooo

in a single word to describe you i cannot.
until just now did i begin to think.
still nothing. for granted i took you.
admit must i… i treated you a passer-by.
be here today but gone tomorrow
the way you should you knew me not,
and i the same i know you knew. 

nakalimutan ko na who i was referring to.

oooo

she is wise in choosing whom to admire; but she must understand fate, my destiny and hers.

oooo 

you may be the wisest of men, yet end up with nothing.

oooo 

intelligence, as in CIA, as in IQ

oooo

scripture is from God and about God, it is His revelation of Himself, introducing His character to you.
2 Peter  1:20-21

oooo

you may never have the opportunity to invite her again, and it shall be taken against you for wasting the opportunity.

weh. ?

oooo

[name names]

a- abiathar, aeris, armada, azeroth
b- blackstar, bismarc, bleucher,bethlehem, bismuth, braxis, berlin
c- crono, cerberus
d- deluvidian
e- evangelion, elena
f- firaga
g- galenos, gilead, gabriel, gigas
h- heneral
i- ikari
j- jik!, jupiter, jerusalem, jarbace
k- kapitan, koola
l- leviathan, leires, lordaeron, lynx
m- magen, miguel, megara, madcat, moriah, metarekanah
n-       
o-
p- pakkers, praetor, prometheus, piecemillion
q- quistis
r- ramoth-gilead, rohan
s- sephiroth, schala, salamis, shakuras
t- tripoli, trojan
u-
v- vegeta
w- wordsworth, warwick
x- xel’naga
y-
z-zurich,zion, zuljin, zymeth, ziggy, zartan 

list ng names na gusto ko para sa lugar… ships… airships… warships. teng, di ko na sinama ung mga elvish names na dinagdag mo ha, hehehe! marami pa bagong dagdag… para ano pa?

oooo 

scratch and scrap

[palace nightscape]
the night was young but her looks were younger still the song of strings has put the streams to still on the bridge the moonshine swam beneath the whispered smiles radiated longing from within the blue trees grew amongst the shadowy hills at the distant faint the house of light was at play yet nothing held us apart but the finity of that eve.

not based on reality.

oooo

as i lift up my eyes to behold (for) the skies i began to realize how empty it could be were it not for the stars that shone down on me

[lost verses]

oooo

hate springs forth from roots of resentment.

oooo

 it deserves a name. i shall call it… FATE.
what has fate created in you?
who are you now because of what fate has brought?
look, stop the ravage of time and listen to what is going on.
it tells you where we are heading.
an uprising brews within against us
rising discontentment. resentment.
reset.
we have no direction to begin with.
never face fate with a heavy heart but with great resolve.
wait for the beginning of the great task at hand. patience.

oooo

betrayed by the noise of the background which does so easily beset me. 

i realize the growing hatred within me against life and its roots and branches. 

what the eyes see. what the ears hear. what the mind knows. what the world has to offer. 

oooo 

in the highway are many by-ways.

oooo

one thing i desire… that i may find favor in your eyes.

oooo

when the skies fade to black…
and the shadows be your walls
be it known in your heart
that the stars up above
shine for you 

oooo

he had the power to bring tears in her eyes and the power to make her smile. yet he would not budge one bit. his pride went before his fall. he could care less, but deep inside, deep inside was a heart of flesh. he knew she knew, but the hands of fate forbid that she be for him.

oooo

shimmering sword of lighting gazed upon blinding stream of flash piercing deeply badly wounding sheathed blade returned

illustration not included.

oooo

rising discontentment raging against an uprising the bulwarks defenses are down but the conflict ensues 3 beats of a dragon heart dying struggle to regain the lion pride breath of fire cycle falling breaking up without even facing the storm

run on sentence. no, not a sentence.

oooo

[immortalized]
the beauty of a rose
would last forever
in the memory of those
who will remember.

a blue book intro

one of those classroom days… years ago…. page 1.

how i wish it were not a waste to see the beauty of a blank paper perish for nothing. at this precise moment… i found myself wasted. i am in a dilemma with the current condition. first, cannot digest the lecture, it is too fast. second, i cannot take down notes for the same reason. i am listening in futility, i will forget the salient points. i cannot depart totally from listening, i might miss the little i might gain. but the little i gain means nothing at all, nothing that can be of great help.

it would be nice to record the events currently happening: the lecturer talking too fast, giving too much information, the students who cannot grasp the subject, those with blank stares or otherwise unconscious presently, those who take down notes copied down from the projection, i doubt they understood, those students preoccupied with… at the moment, after giving up on the lecture,….

i can’t help wonder where i would get the next copy of the lecture. reading books would be nice, but that won’t be of much help in my quiz. besides, i do not have the time to open them. notes are the most basic source of grades. unfortunately, i am deprived of a good set. i cannot continue relying on my classmates’ notes. besides, it is not a good situation to be in with the classmates i have. they don’t understand and they never will. but i cannot blame them, and i won’t take it against them.

i have set in my mind a solution. if i only had a laptop…. a laptop would be nice!

my problem is not so much with studying as much as having the right materials to study to begin with. these materials are hard to obtain, and usually i (you) can’t obtain a complete set. nobody wants their notes xeroxed a day or two prior to the quiz. yet most quiz coverage include that precious day or two.

again. intro. napag isip isipan ko, i-publish ko lahat ng mahanap ko na ‘writings’ sa mga old notes ko. usually, gamit ko na notebook sa school ay corona. yup, ung 60 pages. no matter how i tried to be strict with its contents to be purely academic, i almost always end up writing comments all over my notebook. in the end, mas maganda ang kinalabasan. binabalik balikan ko mga notebook ko hanggang ngayon for these treasures! my precious! parang salamin kasi kung paano ako mag isip noon. at ngayon. anyway, marami tuloy akong blue book. isa lang to sa madami.

explanation ko bakit ko i-publish? gaya ng dati. para sa akin to. nakikibasa ka lang. ayos lang.

main attraction*

*ehem. intro. nung isang araw, medyo ilang araw na yun [actually, linggo na], nakita ko isang kaibigan ko na matagal ko nang di nakita. in short, sabi nya henge daw sya ng kopya ng etong ginawa ko na ‘main attraction’. sabi ko sige, basta mahanap ko ung kuwaderno ko. sa tambak tambak na nakatambak na gamit sa bahay, nung isang araw lang ako sinipag maghanap. at least diba, may fan ako! hohoho!

i, i am the flame, the candle’s flame. i, i stand alone, alone in the vast darkness. i am but a candle’s flame, too insignificant to shed its light, too weak to withstand the breeze, too small to show some warmth. nevertheless, i am a flame, i am fire. nevertheless, i burn, i consume. feed me fuel and taste infernal rage.[naks]

you, you are the moth, the extraordinary moth. [sino cya? no names please.] you, you came from emptiness, from emptiness into my presence. you are but a moth, easily attracted to the flame, and as easily you disappear into the shroud of mystery. nevertheless, it is your beauty i see, your simplicity. don’t go away, don’t leave me. i just want to look at you, much more to know you.

it is not desire i have for you but mere adoration, admiration. i see in you a character full of virtue. but i don not want to meet you, i do not want to greet you. i am not for you, you are not for me. i do not want to find out you are not who i thought you were. do not fall for me, i too am not who you think
i am. can’t you see, all around me are the memories of the bitter past of those who dared. you are no different unless you stay away. i must sadly admit, i shall devour you. in the end, i alone remain.[ang tinde]

you see me as a great mystery you can’t remove from your mind. you see right through me and notice my contradictions. you can’t help but ask why. you see a light distinct from the rest and can’t believe i can do you harm. my apparent coldness, the stillness of my icy blue soul has hidden the scorching sting you will only feel on contact. you no longer distinguish between curiosity and attraction, desire. there is nothing i can do for you, nothing.[assuming]

for a moment i doubted, for a moment i thought, was i the flame or was i the moth. i was drawn to you. the idea of you slowly crept into the crevices of my thoughts, filling each gap. i hope it’s not too late, let not my desires get hold of my self. for deep within me i know i am a fire, a black flame dragon of vincent* [sa kuwaderno, walang explanation para sa asterisk. ibig ko lang sabihin dun, si vincent, sa ghost fighter. may limang itim na dragon kasi na nakabalot sa arms nya. kids.] , the seemingly cold warrior. i know you will only be a victim of a disillusioned heart, and i, i would remain the same.

a mere candle in the vast city of lights. there are a lot of brighter lights out there, much safer lights. why me? all i wanted was to gaze at you, to know who you really are. please, don’t leave. but if you must, go. and i, i will be here, alone, waiting for the right one to come. the fire moth[fire moth?!!! walang ganun] who shall overcome my nature eventually.[ewan ko ba. eh ganun talaga ako noon. pati ngayon ata]

wake up to reality, we are not meant to be. our ideas of each other are but fantasies.i know you will only hate me for who i am.[ma-aanghang na salita]

sorry friend, kung medyo may edits ko na. wala naman ako inalis, dinagdagan ko lang ng comments ko. sya nga pala. sa tingin ko di naman mababasa ng taong tinutukoy ko sa… article na to. nabasa naman ata nya noon, di nya nagets. buti na lang.

background pala. ung ‘kuwaderno’ ay ang literary portfolio ng slu [actually, ang nangyayari na ata ngayon literary portfolio ng w&b staff and friends (no offense, di naman lahat)]. louisians, you paid for this! anyway, may kaibigan kasi ako noon sa staff…. salamat pala! masaya naman ako napublish ung likha ko. deserving ba? makikita to sa 2nd kuwaderno, year 2000. ang saya ng ala ala.

answer

i was waiting.

i was looking for an answer. here is what i got:

"you know what it is… where to find what youre looking for.

but you wont find it.

because no one gave the answer.

not because it will not be given, but probably just not now.

you know it in you.

you already have the answer.

you just did not care enough to know."

a strange answer for a strange question. walang magawa.