time filler

i'm almost empty. i feel a little better now. i've gotten used to this solitude. not that i'm stronger, but i no longer feel pain. i feel numb, which is a good thing in one sense. it's like anesthesia.

so i'm back to square one, back to where i was 2 years ago, back to this same old bed, this same old room, same solitude. it feels nostalgic. nothing changed, except this feeling that i no longer belong here. why am i here? there is no one here. no one worth returning to. which reminds me, the other girl i have learned to forget. let's leave it forgotten.

this evening i strolled around the mall, curious how things have changed. i ended up still feeling empty. nothing new under the sun, nothing worth to look forward to, nothing worth searching. all i could wish for was some manga for the week. after which, there was nothing more to anticipate. i'm waiting for the 29th to see what will happen, although, being the pessimistic (realistic) me, i know nothing will happen. that's what happens when you overthink life.

why am i even writing this?

oh, i wonder how the simple girl is. i don't even know who she is. so i'm left wondering. just a thought. sometimes we try to make sense of something we don't know because the things we know don't make sense.

okay, i'll make some short term goals. tomorrow i hope i would meet gelay. i can't even remember her name right. ah. what a simpleton i am. by saturday i plan to visit molino. hopefully the weather wouldn't stop me.

blabbering idiot. i'm talking to myself. this is what boredom is.

dark side of the sun

am i better off dead?

am i better off a quitter?

they say i'm better off now

than i ever was with her...

... i'm smiling but i'm dying...
... trying not to drag my feet...

... i'm still in love...

... but all i heard was nothing...

... she said nothing...

... oh i wanted words...

but all i heard was nothing.

-nothing by the script


so i said to myself never to walk down that path again. never.

the lion sits on the throne

what is mine will be mine. not by right nor by might; just fate.

ooo

for a time i was yours, but i guess you never really saw any value in it. and so i tried to belong to someone else.

ooo

i was finally able to cross. the bridge was completed. it did not go according to its original design. at least friendship is a beginning of a new chapter. i don't know how often the bridge will be of use. as for me, it's time to build new bridges somewhere else.

the bridge

i was imagining myself standing on the edge of the unfinished bridge. i was in no hurry. in fact, time somehow stood still. it was a magnificent bridge made out of stone arches. the deep blue sea down below glistened in the sun. the breeze was just right. the warmth was not too hot. just across was a mysterious island. i wanted to reach it for some reason i can't explain. no matter how hard i tried it never got completed. when i tried to look back, my bridge came from an island after all.


it made me realize how futile it was to build it all by myself. it will never reach across that way. some days i wanted to destroy the bridge i was building. it kept reminding me of foolish dreams. what a wasted beautiful bridge. maybe someday i'll stop trying building that bridge, when i'm already too tired. when it keeps on leading to nowhere.


i'm beginning to hate myself for keeping on coming back to you. i've tried to so hard so many times to destroy this feeling. i thought i have already won.


it also made me realize it wasn't really about the unknown island. my dream was about building this particular bridge. there are days i just want to enjoy the unfinished bridge. sitting there, taking my time, waiting. it's a dead end road no one passes by. i was on my own alone. i had all the time in the world to think and keep on thinking. what a magnificent bridge. 


or maybe there was still some hope in me that someday it will be finished. i wonder what's on the island....

the third chapter

chapter two was lost somewhere in time. i needed to move on with my book. on with the show. it's a new year and yet the same old life. my mood fluctuates like a sine wave. one moment i'm so high and the following morning i'm so low. one moment i love sushi, the next moment i wish i had forgotten. and the next moment i love sushi again. do i really love sushi? ... sushi never talks back. but sushi is so yummy. until i get the feeling i'm so fat. but sushi is not fattening. i'm so sleepy.



the pendulum swings. it's about time i give up the fight. the three balls that struck me out are the same balls i will have to swing against for the second inning. how bothersome.